For hc_bingo.
Jul. 11th, 2017 02:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyofleithianTitle: Alike
Summary: Poe tells Ben about Starkiller.
Prompt: Job-related trauma
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Sleeping in the same bed together is a work in progress, actually. Getting used to the other's presence once again, knowing that the other isn't the offender anymore. And even looking over Poe, who's currently asleep, Ben can't help but feel a sort of ache that he could have hurt Poe this way. He had promised that he would be the best husband to Poe, and he went and did that, still. Who does that to their own husband, he wonders. Reading someone's thoughts as a form of torture.
He's tried to leave when Poe has his nightmares. He's tried to do things like sleeping on the sofa; he can trade a bit of loneliness to make sure that Poe doesn't have his nightmares anymore. But the nightmares vary. Sometimes it's him. Sometimes it's blowing up Starkiller Base -- when the adrenaline dies down, you realize that you destroyed a planet.
It's all complicated.
Poe jolts awake, gasping, looking around (and Ben knows he's dreamed about Starkiller this time), and Ben's here -- and somehow, when he should be kicking him out of bed, Poe's instead taking comfort in the fact that he's here.
"It's all right, Poe. You're safe. The war's over."
Ben holds him close in that moment, feeling the press of his body against his own. Poe's body is a contradiction -- so fragile-seeming at the neck, yet so strong, even though in some places he's soft. (Poe is self-conscious of those places, but Ben thinks it's ridiculous. After all, it's all natural. Besides, it makes for a great amount of comfort when Ben wants to hold him)
"I know." Poe takes a deep breath. "Ben...the base..."
"You did the right thing. I hated it, you know. That...abomination." Ben still shivers remembering it, how large it was, how looming for that matter. Larger than two Death Stars. "General Hux loved it, of course. Well, he always idolized Tarkin. He thought the destruction of Alderaan was a righteous act. But I never could get behind it." A pause. "So I argued. I didn't argue against the destruction of the Hosnian system because I was a coward, but I tried to argue against using it on the Ileneum system. Snoke...I think he was too consumed by hatred of my uncle to listen."
And even that wasn't all of it. It wasn't just the fact his mother was there, but also his father, and even the darkness could not completely consume Kylo Ren. He could not condemn them to die. Or his husband. The fact that they destroyed that monstrosity is a miracle that would make Uncle Luke impressed.
"So you tried to save us."
"I...tried."
"And you said there was no saving you."
"Yes."
"I think there was still that bit of good in you," Poe says. "Stuff like that...stuff like that isn't easily put out."
"You think so?"
"Yeah."
Silence.
"You did the right thing in destroying Starkiller."
"It used to be a planet. Who knows how much wildlife I probably..." Poe's voice cracks. "Or stang, First Order officers just doing their jobs."
"Hux evacuated them," Ben says. "You don't have to worry about that. Their blood isn't on your hands."
"But...a whole planet..."
Poe's voice cracks again, and Ben draws him into another hug.
He loves him, stars knows he does, and he will never let him down again. The road to recovery isn't going to be a short one, but Ben knows that he'll be there, every step of the way.
Summary: Poe tells Ben about Starkiller.
Prompt: Job-related trauma
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Sleeping in the same bed together is a work in progress, actually. Getting used to the other's presence once again, knowing that the other isn't the offender anymore. And even looking over Poe, who's currently asleep, Ben can't help but feel a sort of ache that he could have hurt Poe this way. He had promised that he would be the best husband to Poe, and he went and did that, still. Who does that to their own husband, he wonders. Reading someone's thoughts as a form of torture.
He's tried to leave when Poe has his nightmares. He's tried to do things like sleeping on the sofa; he can trade a bit of loneliness to make sure that Poe doesn't have his nightmares anymore. But the nightmares vary. Sometimes it's him. Sometimes it's blowing up Starkiller Base -- when the adrenaline dies down, you realize that you destroyed a planet.
It's all complicated.
Poe jolts awake, gasping, looking around (and Ben knows he's dreamed about Starkiller this time), and Ben's here -- and somehow, when he should be kicking him out of bed, Poe's instead taking comfort in the fact that he's here.
"It's all right, Poe. You're safe. The war's over."
Ben holds him close in that moment, feeling the press of his body against his own. Poe's body is a contradiction -- so fragile-seeming at the neck, yet so strong, even though in some places he's soft. (Poe is self-conscious of those places, but Ben thinks it's ridiculous. After all, it's all natural. Besides, it makes for a great amount of comfort when Ben wants to hold him)
"I know." Poe takes a deep breath. "Ben...the base..."
"You did the right thing. I hated it, you know. That...abomination." Ben still shivers remembering it, how large it was, how looming for that matter. Larger than two Death Stars. "General Hux loved it, of course. Well, he always idolized Tarkin. He thought the destruction of Alderaan was a righteous act. But I never could get behind it." A pause. "So I argued. I didn't argue against the destruction of the Hosnian system because I was a coward, but I tried to argue against using it on the Ileneum system. Snoke...I think he was too consumed by hatred of my uncle to listen."
And even that wasn't all of it. It wasn't just the fact his mother was there, but also his father, and even the darkness could not completely consume Kylo Ren. He could not condemn them to die. Or his husband. The fact that they destroyed that monstrosity is a miracle that would make Uncle Luke impressed.
"So you tried to save us."
"I...tried."
"And you said there was no saving you."
"Yes."
"I think there was still that bit of good in you," Poe says. "Stuff like that...stuff like that isn't easily put out."
"You think so?"
"Yeah."
Silence.
"You did the right thing in destroying Starkiller."
"It used to be a planet. Who knows how much wildlife I probably..." Poe's voice cracks. "Or stang, First Order officers just doing their jobs."
"Hux evacuated them," Ben says. "You don't have to worry about that. Their blood isn't on your hands."
"But...a whole planet..."
Poe's voice cracks again, and Ben draws him into another hug.
He loves him, stars knows he does, and he will never let him down again. The road to recovery isn't going to be a short one, but Ben knows that he'll be there, every step of the way.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-11 07:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-11 08:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2017-07-11 08:26 pm (UTC)(I actually wrote 30K in a sitting once (...more than once)? I'm not actually sure how that happened. I just zoned.) I have no idea if that's normal or not. That's usually how I write, though. Not consistently: in what basically amounts to vomiting of story. I'd love to get to the writing consistently all the time stage. That would be fantastic.
no subject
Date: 2017-07-11 10:52 pm (UTC)