ladyofleithian | Chapter 37: Freefall

In which Ben continues to train.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

A year passed. Ben turned twenty-one, and already he was intimidated just by the sheer milestone of the age. To think that he had come so far, to think that he was twenty-one now and the war was still going on...would it ever end? That was the question. He only knew that no matter what happened, he would keep fighting. He would never, ever stop. Uncle Luke would be furious if he found out what exactly Ben was doing, but Ben knew that he would do whatever it took just to win the war. Just to make things right again. So he trained.

All the while, Ben learned more about the powers that he had. All of them that seemed to be so very denied to him by his uncle. All of them that seemed to be hidden from him. All of them that seemed to be repressed. And to think that Uncle Luke had forced them to stay repressed because of...

Because of what, exactly?

Did his uncle really want him to have a damaged core? A damaged sense of self? Everything about his uncle suggested that he wouldn’t do such a thing, and yet at the same time, people like Master Naris...

Then again, men like Naris just wanted other people to suffer with them. How he treated Mike was proof enough of that. Ben could still remember the way that he would fling insults at Mike, things like him only being cut out for the AgriCorps. It seemed that even years later, things like that seemed to be scorned. When Ben was a youngling, saying one was only cut out for the AgriCorps was one of the ultimate forms of humiliation, and Naris used it on Mike.

Still, did the others want them all to have damaged selves?

Ben didn’t know. Still, in his meantime, he slipped Mike a few tricks to get one up on Naris. Mike, nineteen years old and still struggling with the matter of his Master, just needing a chance to prove himself. Always needing a chance.

And Ben continued to practice himself. To learn. Continued to explore all the aspects of what he had been denied, and he found that like a starving man presented with a meal, he practically devoured it.

It was always in secret that they held their meetings. Away from Uncle Luke, away from even Poe. There was a sort of excitement, a sort of thrill, just knowing that he had those talents and was starting to use them...

“You’ve done beautifully.” Yana said. “Your talent is truly astounding, Ben. Your sheer skill. I have never had a student with such promise...before you.”

And there was something about it that made Ben all but flush with pride. He swore he could feel it, head to toe. “Master Yana, I’m flattered, but I’m...not that good.”

“And I say that you sell yourself short.”

“I’ve had practice. Uncle Luke’s training, things like that...”

“It’s where you come from. The Dark Side and the Light.” A hand trailing down Ben’s cheek as if he were indescribably precious, and Ben’s breath hitched. “You are made of the finest materials, and is it not the finest materials that an artist has to work with? That make a masterpiece? And you are, truly, in progress of becoming a masterpiece, Ben.”

There was such reverence in his voice that Ben could not help but look up at him, overwhelmed. He had never been spoken to like that. Maybe a reproval for reading minds, a reproval for what seemed like just about anything, but being appreciated...

“Thank you.”

“It is the truth.”

Even getting to the lesson, which was crushing objects with the Force, reaching out with his rage felt too easy now. It was as if Ben were reaching through what remained of his misgivings, and his misgivings were starting to cave like flimsiplast. Yana spoke. “Let go, Ben. Let go. I want to feel you in the Force.”

Ben reached out in that moment, and he could feel the oscillations of energy from the droid even as he did so. The droid bent back at the neck just then and exploded, letting the pieces scatter everywhere. Ben managed to barely duck away even as the droid shattered everywhere, pieces flaming even as it did.

“Good. Now, another. Draw on your fury, Ben. I want to hear you.”

Ben’s fury was practically a song in the Force.

***

Poe was already working on upgrades to BB-8 when Ben returned, not walking but practically running to Poe just to sweep him up in his arms.

There was something about the look in Ben’s eyes that was enough to make Poe both excited with him and also nervous in his own right. If there was a way to make the war shorter as Ben had claimed, to make it finally end, it was a miracle. And yet there was something in Ben’s eyes that scared him. It was almost like the eyes of someone who had gotten sick, and how feverish and glazed those eyes looked. Though the idea of winning this miserable war seemed too wonderful to be logical, that was the problem. Too wonderful to be logical. Even as Ben all but swept him into his arms and kissed his forehead, the top of his head, and his mouth for good measure, Poe accepted the kisses, all the while wishing he could share in Ben’s joy.

He just didn’t like the look in his love’s eyes. How glazed they seemed. How feverish and how impassioned and how...almost fanatical.

So Ben hugged him. Held him. And Poe held him back, all the while hoping that there was some way to pull Ben back from that edge he was going towards.

I love him. Stars willing I do. He loved this beautiful, tempestuous, illogical man, as beautiful as a storm. A man who just loved you utterly, all but swept you up in that love.

“Hey, Ben,” he all but mumbled into Ben’s chest, even as the latter rested his cheek against his hair. “What did you find?”

“I’m doing it, Poe.” Ben’s hands were gentle on Poe’s shoulders, even as he seemed to bend a little to look Poe in the eye. Still that burning look in his eyes, his eyes that seemed to be full of sheer fanaticism, sheer hunger. “When we finally catch up with Lisaris, I’ll be ready for him. By the stars.”

“That’s...wonderful.” Poe reached up to touch Ben’s face. He reached up to touch it, as if hoping he could still hold onto Ben, still love him...

But why wouldn’t he be able to hold onto Ben?

Poe couldn't put his finger on it. He only knew that he couldn’t lose Ben. By the stars, I can’t lose you. I don’t know how I’ll lose you but I can’t lose you.

A larger hand gently caught his. “What makes you think you’ll lose me?”

“I’m just scared for you.” How was he going to describe that burning look in Ben’s eyes, that look of fierce sort of hunger even as Ben spoke about a new ability he’d learned. Poe didn’t know about the Dark Side of the Force, but he knew that something terrible was happening to the man he adored. Ben’s eyes, those burning, beautiful eyes, the way he spoke, some of the things he said...

“I’m not falling to the -- ’’

“The Force doesn’t have anything to do with it,” Poe said. “I just don’t want you going off the deep end.”

“Maybe I don’t have to.” And there was so much confidence in his voice that Poe wished he had that confidence. “Maybe I can still stay on the right path.”

“I hope you’re right about that.”

Ben’s face fell. “Poe...you don’t have any faith in me?”

“I have every bit of faith in you.”

“Then why are you questioning me?”

“I just worry about you a lot, that’s all.”

Ben drew him in closer. “You don’t have to.”

“It’s just...” How was Poe supposed to say I’m worried you’re going off the deep end anyhow? “I don’t want you going too far in stopping Lisaris. That’s all.”

“I won’t.” Gentle, soft all the while. “I won’t, Poe.”

Poe looked up at him, and he wished that he could believe him. But by the stars, he would never stop loving him, never stop being there for Ben, never stop protecting him.

“I love you,” he said. No matter what happens, Ben, I’ll never stop loving you. It was hard not to love this living storm, this living hurricane.

“You don't have to tell me,” Ben said. “I already know.”