Deep Thoughts Thirty Day Challenge, Day Two

[ladyofleithian]

2. Who are you? In comparison to who you used to be. What made you change?

It's kind of a weird sort of thing, but in comparison to what I used to be...I have a sense of belonging, at the very least (mostly because I found you guys) when before, I couldn't say I really belonged much. It didn't help I was kind of a loner. I'm not saying that I didn't have any friends, but most of the time, I kept to myself a lot, to be perfectly honest. I loved to read, I loved to write, I loved to dream, all that stuff, and I guess in general in school, I felt different. The matter of me having an anxiety disorder and a learning disorder that back then, I don't think any of us really knew what said learning disorder was, didn't exactly help. And I got into disagreements with my teachers, and disagreements would be an understatement. It's not that we didn't get along, but I don't think we really understood each other terribly well, which really sucked, to say the least. It was stuff like that that made school pretty stressful, to say the least. And in 2011, I think I was really worried about fitting in -- because I think as other people noticed, I can't say that I fit in terribly well -- I was a little more naive, I wasn't exactly all there if you get my meaning, and I don't think I really understood things like social skills and restraint, which really gives me a sense of embarrassment looking back on it. And yet at the same time, I do kind of envy my 2011 self because, to be perfectly honest, I was happy back then, I wasn't too worried about what other people thought, I wasn't worried about speaking my mind, I wasn't worried about so many things, I wasn't having instances where I absolutely goddamn loathed myself at times. And 2012...I was like my 2011 self, I guess, but at the same time, I was a little more conscientious, I was more mindful and considerate and insightful (I'm thinking that's when my frontal lobe was maturing, to use a scientific comparison) and I was kinder. And at the same time, though, I was kind of having my bitter periods because I was fighting with someone I used to be really close to, who finally broke it off with me in 2013, just when I thought things were finally getting better (which I think is something that I should never think of, ever. If someone starts treating me like crap because of my opinions, I'm going to make a break for it, because that shit isn't normal). And then 2013 -- well, I think that was the year that my sanity started having a bit of a slip thanks to political stuff in the news and school and some stuff with people I cared about. And yet I think in a way, I think I've been getting more mature in some areas, trying to sort of figure out cognitive distortions as well, trying to understand people better, trying to understand stuff in fandom better, things like that. 2013 was also definitely the year where I tried understanding my writing style more, mostly thanks to patterns popping up in my reviews, bad and good. I know I've still been trying to figure out my writing style -- I know I'm really good at Character Development and opening sentences, and really not as good with plot, style (my mom says I use words like "really" and "if nothing else" too much, for one thing. She actually read over the first page of "Before the Dawn" that I'd sent her, and said, "Okay, [hadhafang] *, this is really good, the first sentence is really a grabber, but you really need to take out stuff like 'really' and 'if nothing else.'" (Basically) I know that my mom's been a major source of support with my writing since I first started writing (which I think was at the age of three), and for that, I'm definitely grateful. And I also know I've been watching a lot of reviews and whatnot just to pick up tricks and techniques and tips, and saving stuff in folders, so...yeah. I've been trying to figure out what I want most in writing, and, to an extent, who I am. 2013 seems to have been my "who the hell am I anyway?" year. Hopefully in 2014, it'll sort itself out.

Then again, will I ever really figure myself out?

3. Where have you been spending your time lately? Three/Five/Ten years ago would you have expected to be there?

4. What do you think it means to be in love?

5. Pick a song that projects the same mood as your day or week and explain.

6. Talk about a recent experience that has effected you greatly and how.

7. Think of the last person you hugged. What would you do if they vanished completely?

8. Write about the first moment that comes to your head when you read the words “childhood memory”

9. Where do you see yourself in 10 years?

10. Did you have a good day or a bad day? Where do you think that defining line was?

11. Do you feel protective over someone?

12. If you could trade places with anyone for one week, who would it be and why?

13. Where do you see your best friend in 10 years?

14. When you are stressed, what can you use as an outlet? Why do you think it helps you?

15. What do you believe in? And not just God or atheism.

16. What are you passionate about?

17. Who was the last person you kissed? (If you are still with them now, pick the person before them.) What would they say if they saw you now?

18. Talk about your extended family. Why do you think they are the way they are?

19. If you could be anywhere in the world, but you had to be there for a certain cause, where would you be and why?

20. Again, pick a song that projects the mood of your week or day.

21. Look back. Why did you choose this challenge? Do you think it says anything about you?

22. How do you think people see you? Be a little negative and a little positive.

23. Explain your life plan for the next month, then the next year, then three years, then five years.

24. Are you more social or independent? Why do you think that is?

25. What do you think it means to be a good parent?

26. Talk about a moment where you were truly happy. What was happening? Who were you with?

27. Is there a friend you are worried about? Why do they have you concerned? Do you think they’ll be okay?

28. Would you rather someone tell you the truth up front but gently, or be lied to to spare your feelings?

29. If you could be doing the same things you do now, only in your own way, how would a normal day in your life go?

30. Look back on this last month and talk about it.

* Not the name she used, obviously, but I'm just using this as a placeholder.

Comments

[john-scorpy.livejournal.com]

Oh I love that you decided to take this challenge too, I only just noticed! I was kinda hoping someone would join me, it's always more interesting to answer the questions with someone.
Really interesting analysis here. Sounds like you've had it rough for a few years, but you've also learned a lot and handling things well, which is admirable. Also:

And then 2013 -- well, I think that was the year that my sanity started having a bit of a slip thanks to political stuff in the news and school and some stuff with people I cared about.

...this is all stuff I can relate to, and the reason why I've simply decided not to care very much about people and not to read the freaking news cause they're depressing, upsetting stuff most of the time. The good old 'bury your head in the sand' technique, but hey it's working just fine for me :D
I really hope 2014 will be a good year for you!

[ladyhadhafang.livejournal.com]

Thanks! And yeah, I definitely agree.

And thank you. :) I definitely have been trying. I can't say I've always succeeded, but I've been trying. I've had my high points and my low points, but yeah, I definitely have learned a lot in those years and...well, I think I've been handling things pretty good all things considered.

And that's a good strategy. I've been trying to avoid the news the best I can and just keep to the good side of things. It works wonders for my emotional health, I think.

And thanks! Same here. :)