(no subject)

[ladyofleithian]

Title: Variations on Falling.

Summary: A study of the evolution of Bastila and Gann Thracin's (or Revan's) relationship.

Warnings: Angst/possible sappiness, rusty writing skills. 

Disclaimer: I own nothing. 

Prompt: Unrequited pining. 




Bastila never thought the art of protecting Revan would be a simple project, but it starts to get even more complicated as the journey goes on. She doesn't know when the problems, of sorts, start to arise -- probably around Kashyyyk or Manaan. But even now, getting to know Gann Thracin, this new Revan, she's begun to notice something -- she's becoming quite fond of him, really. And not exactly as a friend should.

Which she shouldn't. Jedi aren't supposed to fall in love -- there are the rare few that are allowed to marry and have children, but there is a reason why they are the rare few. Attachment is forbidden. Possession is forbidden.

And Gann -- if anything, Gann seems to quite like her as well. At the very least, he likes teasing her -- for example, in terms of asking him test questions about his background, and him coming up with the occasional ridiculous answers just to annoy her -- or to make her laugh, she doesn't know which. If anything, it does both. On the one hand, they are admittedly so ridiculous as to be funny (such as him basically being a Wookiee in human skin), but at the same time, it exasperates her -- does he take nothing seriously?

Of course not. He's Gann Thracin. She doesn't know whether to be exasperated with him or grateful to him for, at times, lightening the mood.

And yet at the same time...

Even now, things such as him telling her stories about his childhood on Deralia -- though Bastila laughs at some of them, laughs along with him, at the same time, her heart cannot help but ache. Because in a way, they never truly existed. Perhaps in a way they did, before he was initiated into the Order as Revan, as a youngling, but at the same time...

Still, even now, speaking with him, it's the little things with him that she lives for -- talking with him, laughing with him, joking with him, reassuring him -- and in turn, him reassuring her, in spite of fears she tries so desperately not to show, that yes, she is good enough.

And though she is afraid, though one part of her is ordering her to turn back before she all but forsakes her duty, before she does something she regrets, large or small, the larger part of her -- the larger part would do just about anything for that laugh, for that smile. Just to spend time with him. She's in freefall, freefall in the dark -- she doesn't know which way is up, or down, or where she'll land, or if she'll land or crash, or even if she's falling or flying. 

Force help me...

***

It's this tangle of complicated emotions that leads her to ultimately sacrifice herself on the Leviathan. There are other reasons, of course, yes -- her friends, for example, and the fact they need to find the Star Forge and stop Malak, but ultimately, for Gann's sake. For the sake of the kiss they shouldn't have shared back in the crew quarters -- the kiss where she felt like she was falling and flying at the same time, the kiss that stayed with her up until that awful moment they were caught in the Leviathan's 
tractor beam -- for the sake of what they can't have.

Because she loves him. Perhaps he doesn't love her back -- perhaps he doesn't even realize that she loves him. But no matter what his feelings may be, she will never, ever let him down. 

***

She tries to resist Malak at first. Force knows she tries. He continues to try multiple forms of torture, from the ordinary Force lightning to things such as the old torture methods of some obscure Sith tribe or something or other that she's never even heard of. Of course, he makes sure to treat her wounds so they won't get infected -- he doesn't want to kill her, or make her ill, or anything of that sort. He wants to turn her to the Dark Side.

Bastila has heard stories, tales of those who tortured Jedi to try and have them fall to the Dark Side. If anything, during the early months of the Jedi Civil War, unpleasant whisperings would occasionally surface of specially trained elite Sith assassins whose job it was to hunt down, capture, and convert Jedi. Some speculated that Revan had a plan behind it, of course -- at least, a plan larger than just conquering the Republic. But nobody truly knew what Revan was after, at all.

And now she's here, lying on a flat table in the Rakatan Temple, feeling the Force Lightning coursing through her body as Malak laughs that horrible, jarring laugh. Eventually, the pain stops -- at least the Force Lightning subsides, as Malak takes time to run a finger along her cheek in a perverse showing of tenderness.

"You are strong, child," Malak says, practically purring as he does so, "But I will break you."

"I will never turn to the Dark Side." 

"Why do you continue to resist, Bastila? Surely you know that the Jedi Code is weak. Your friends have no chance against the power of the Star Forge and you know it."

"You know nothing of any Jedi, nor any soldier of the Republic," Bastila says, calmly, "And that will be your downfall."

She's rewarded with more Force Lightning coursing through her body. But even so, she bites down on her lower lip until it bleeds, unwilling to let Malak hear her screams. He's laughing now, laughing like a man possessed, laughing in that horrible mechanical voice...

But she is better than that. She is Padawan Shan, after all. And as long as Malak keeps her in this horrible place, she will not give in, she will not cave, she will not make a sound.

As long as Revan finds the Star Forge and destroys it, that is all that matters. 

She tries to tell herself that throughout her ordeal being held captive by Lord Malak. She tries to tell herself that Gann and the others are going to find the Star Forge, and everything will be fine -- but oh Force, the agony, the never-ending pain...

Malak makes it clear to her at one point that it's not torture -- merely a "taste" of the Dark Side. "Join me," he says, "And the power will be all yours!"

Bastila tries to make it clear to him that she doesn't want it, but Malak can practically read her like an open holobook. In between attempts at defiance and escape (for which he only punishes her more), there are the occasional glimpses, perhaps, of the little weaknesses. Chinks in the armor. Her growing...fondness of Gann -- no, even fondness isn't the right word for it. Of course it's love. She would be lying to herself if she said it was anything but. Her insecurity in regards to the Jedi Order. Her feelings of restlessness, and even perfectionism -- the feeling that nothing she'll do will ever be good enough.

The Jedi Council had the utmost faith in her -- which only made things worse. Setting up expectations for herself -- false expectations. Even in hindsight, looking back, she cannot help but wonder if, perhaps, she hadn't expected so much of herself, things would have turned out differently.

It takes a while before she finally cracks. Before she ultimately swears herself to Malak -- but when she does, it's such a quiet thing, such a slow thing, such a subtle thing, that she barely feels it at all.

***

It's on the top of the Rakatan Temple that she sees Gann again -- even now, she cannot help but blink, squint at the glare of the sunlight. It feels almost like a lifetime since she's seen the sun, felt the wind, been able to breathe in the suffocating blackness of the Temple. And Gann is here -- Jolee and Juhani are there as well! Perhaps she can persuade them to come with her. To overthrow Malak and start a better galaxy. Perhaps a way of atoning, of a sort, for what she had done in the Mandalorian Wars -- standing by and doing nothing, paralyzed by fear.

Upon seeing her, Gann's face brightens, and he runs towards her, embraces her quickly, and Bastila is so taken aback, momentarily, by his show of enthusiasm, by the sheer explosive joy that seems to radiate from him the moment he sees her, that even now, she wants to immediately throw down her new red lightsaber and come back with him. And yet at the same time --

It's looking over her that his happiness starts to falter, replaced by uncertainty. Gently, he brushes a strand of hair away from her eyes, brushes a thumb gently over her scar -- a scar given to her by Lord Malak while he was using a Genoharadan blade to torture her, to draw blood. "Bastila -- what happened to you?"

Even now, she has a feeling that it will be difficult for him to accept. But hopefully, she can convince him to come with her -- Jolee and Juhani as well, and Mission, and Zaalbar, and even Canderous and the droids, and they can overthrow Lord Malak and simply...make things right. Just this once, just this lifetime, everything can be all right again.

The situation immediately deteriorates. In between simply trying to tell Juhani and Jolee what exactly Malak did to her, that she's not the same Jedi as before, that she's changed -- even now, it feels almost like she's trying to say, "Come with me, help me, overthrow Malak and set the galaxy right again before it's too late, forget about the Council for once and come with me" and it comes out, instead, as all but promising herself to Revan, shunning and laughing at the Code itself, all while Juhani and Jolee try to convince her, and Gann simply looks at her as if his galaxy has ended.

Bastila can't even say that it descends into a duel as much as a brawl -- her dueling Gann, while trying to fight off Juhani and Jolee at the same time. Eventually, she manages to stun them, if briefly, before saying her farewells to a shocked Gann.

Gann, of course, tries to plead with her.

"Come with me," he says, "We can help you, Bastila. Please -- "

There's something about the earnestness in his voice, that he honestly wants to help her, that makes Bastila hesitate. She wants to come with him, to simply leave all of this behind -- to defeat Malak as well, of course, her duty-bound self, the part that's still left, says.

"I'm sorry, Revan," she says, "But you know I can't."

And she walks away to the hangar, leaving the former Dark Lord of the Sith behind.

***

It's taking the ship to the Star Forge that Bastila sits in the cockpit, putting it on autopilot for the Star Forge, before running a hand blearily over her brow. How could I have been so daft? Granted, it doesn't matter, in the end, which approach she took or didn't take, it didn't matter whether you turned left on one road or right on the other (as she could vaguely remember from one of her mother's sayings, when she was a small child) -- it didn't matter which way she turned; Juhani and Jolee would still have rejected her. Fools, both of them. Juhani, all her life, hiding in the shadows, scared of the darkness in herself, scared of life itself! And Jolee, no doubt just as afraid -- at the very least, she can't even recall why she even bothered to call him comrades at any point in time.

Then again, she can't say she truly belonged on the Ebon Hawk crew. She was always...different, to say the least. She can't quite say they purposely excluded her, but she always felt more than slightly out of place -- no doubt because she was. She wouldn't have been there if not for the fact someone needed to keep an eye on Revan -- someone needed to keep him from reverting back to his old ways.

And if anything, it seemed to have worked far too well. Even now, it's hard to associate Gann, sarcastic, cocky and yet fundamentally innocent Gann, with the mighty Sith Lord he used to be. A Sith Lord who could turn around an army at the sheer mention of his name.

No matter.

She will kill Malak when the time is right, and the both of them will become the Sith Masters. They will mend the galaxy from Malak's mistakes -- they will do what the Council was too damnably cowardly to do.

They will make things right.

Because the moment Revan comes to call, they know and everyone else knows this: just this once, everybody lives.

***

Of course he comes. He brings Juhani and Jolee with him as well -- per usual. And another woman, a Twi'lek that Bastila doesn't recognize -- a Twi'lek dressed in Jedi robes, but with almost Sith looking tattoos. Bastila wastes no time in stunning the three of them, before turning to face Gann. He stands there, unreadable and almost sad -- his former, almost childlike shock worn off and replaced with a sort of resignation. And yet behind there is the rather irritating hint of hope that seems to practically buzz and flutter and hum over the bond that they still share. 

"It isn't too late, Bastila," he says, "I can save you, if you let me."

How foolish can he possibly be? Is he honestly that naive as to think she can be redeemed so easily? Even now, in the heart of the Star Forge, Bastila doubts she has ever felt more powerful, more...alive. It feels almost like the Dark Side is vibrating all around her, filling her with power, with the knowledge of the Sith itself.

How can he possibly hope to defeat her there?

Even now, as she duels him, though, she cannot help but notice the same as she did atop the Rakatan Temple -- he is stronger than one would expect. Not in terms of power (although in terms of power he is very impressive) but also in terms of determination. Even as she knocks him across the walkways, he still manages to get up -- he simply refuses to stop coming. Nor does he stop trying to help her.

It's starting to anger her, really. Gann has always had a talent for unintentionally making her angry, but this -- this is simply taking it to new levels. Even trying to explain to him that she doesn't need him, that she'll have everything she ever wanted once she's taken down Malak and defeated him and become the Sith mistress herself, Gann -- Revan -- seems to not buy it.

"You're only dooming yourself to an endless cycle of hate and betrayal, Bastila."

"No, Revan," she says, "It's you who are doomed."

Even now as he continues to fight her, she can already feel herself getting tired. Gann is careful to try and use defensive powers, as if to avoid hurting her, as if he's afraid to hurt her -- foolish boy, how could he possibly fear hurting her? -- until, finally --

"I'm sorry, Bastila." Even now, his voice cracks. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I never wanted it to come to this."

Even now, Bastila can barely hear what he's saying -- her mind is boiling with anger and humiliation and sheer confusion. The Light Side is weak -- Malak all but proved it to her during their sessions. During his teachings of her. The Jedi Council was flawed and arrogant and wrong and...how did Revan defeat her?

Even now, her humiliation is too great -- not only over being defeated, but over the fact that she failed. She wavered in her convictions -- she failed in her attempts to resist the Dark Side. She very nearly became a blind minion of the Dark Side itself -- no, she did. She was merely stopped from going any further. She looks up at Gann, furious with herself, furious moreso with him for being so damnably naive, furious with him for apologizing, furious with Malak for what he did to her, furious with the Council, furious with all of it. 

Strike the killing blow, for Force's sake -- for all we've shared. Bring down your lightsaber and let the galaxy be done with me.

But she should have known better -- instead, Gann pulls her to her feet. "You didn't think I'd just kill one of my dearest friends in cold blood, did you? Or..." He gently brushes a strand of hair away from her eyes. "Something more."

Something more...

Even now, feeling his arms around her, Bastila clings to him as if she was drowning, and he had saved her. In a way, in the interpretive sense as Gann would put it, he did save her from drowning. The Dark Side was swallowing her up bit by bit, drowning her humanity as she had repeatedly warned Gann about. And Gann -- Revan had saved her.

Even now, drawing away from him, Bastila doubts she could be prouder of him. For all her seeming failings, large and small, Gann was her masterpiece. The best of her life. 

"So what do we do now?"

Juhani, Jolee and the Twi'lek have been freed from the stasis field Bastila put them in. They're stirring now, groaning a bit, Jolee grumbling something that Bastila can't quite make out.

"I'm going to have to stay behind for this one," Bastila says. A pause. "Someone has to be able to turn the tide of the battle. It's the least I can do."

Gann looks almost ready to protest, but Jolee cuts in. "She's right, lad. She has a job to do."

"I know," Gann says, "But..." He turns back to her to look at her, and there's an unsettling sort of intensity in his eyes -- in Revan's eyes. "I don't want to lose you. Not just because you're my friend, but because I..." A pause. "I love you, Bastila. I was meaning to tell you this for a long while, but..."

"You love me?" And yet, despite herself, on the inside, Bastila cannot help but almost scream for joy. On the outside, though, she mostly contents herself with a small smile. "But I thought -- "

"Well, I actually thought the same thing. Sort of." Gann strokes another lock of hair away from her face. "I mean -- what happened in the crew quarters -- "

Bastila laughs in spite of herself, if awkwardly. "I know. I was just..." Even now, thinking about it hurts. "I was afraid."

"Of what?"

"Failing. Which one could say I did -- from a certain point of view."

"You could never fail."

It takes a while before they manage to break apart -- at Jolee's more helpful urging, especially considering that they still have a battle to win -- but Bastila, nonetheless, kisses him quickly if only for luck. She can't lose him. Not here.

"Just be careful, Revan," she says, if softly. "I can't lose you. Not again."

"I know."

And he heads off towards the Viewing Platform to face Malak. 

***

It's a long while before he comes back -- by then, he's carrying Malak's dead body with him; Bastila is almost impressed that he managed to cart it this far. Even now, though, they have to get off the Star Forge -- 

Even throughout the ceremony, though, Bastila cannot help but feel almost overwhelmed. Even going through the ceremony and getting the Cross of Glory (along with the other members of the Ebon Hawk crew), even apologizing to Master Vandar after the ceremony for what happened while she had been (briefly) Malak's apprentice

"I caused you so much trouble. Can you ever forgive me?"

and Vandar's reply

"There is nothing to forgive, Padawan Shan."

even spending time with the Ebon Hawk crew some more, she cannot help but feel that there's something missing.

Revan is sitting far off to the side, Malak's corpse beside him, murmuring something that sounds faintly like a Deralian prayer. "May the stars protect you, may the wind guide you home..." 

A few more sentences that Bastila can't quite make out, before, "May the Force be with you."

"Revan...are you all right?"

Revan raises his face, before Bastila sees it's stained with tears. "They're celebrating his death," he says, in such a broken, almost unrecognizable voice. "How can they even -- "

"I can't say they are. They're merely thanking you for saving them."

"I know." Revan sighs. "I tried to save him, back on the Star Forge. Tried to tell him to give up his villainous ways and come and see the galaxy with me. Fight some crime with me. I thought at the very least, it was the best I could do after I led him down the path to the Dark Side." 

"Revan -- "

"I know," Revan says. "But he was my friend." He sighs. "He didn't accept it, though. He seemed more drunk on power than anything else. I kept trying -- and even in the end, he refused. Said that he had...made his bed, basically, and he had to lie in it." A look of confusion crosses his face. "But how can he even say that? I mean -- I did this to him. I fell to the Dark Side and I dragged him down with me."

Even now, as Bastila draws into a hug, Revan clings to her, almost like she did back on the Star Forge -- as if she had saved him from drowning. She doesn't know if that will save him; after all, Gann -- Revan -- is stronger than one would give him credit for, but he can't handle this all on his own. And yet...

Revan gave her hope when no hope seemed to be left.

Now it's her turn. 

***

They decide -- ultimately, with Vandar giving his blessing, of sorts -- to take Malak back to Dantooine to be burned. It seems only right, Revan says -- and even now, sitting in the plains of Dantooine, in the shadow of the ruins of the Jedi Enclave, they watch the flames consume Malak's body, rising into the sky.

The new administrator of Khoonda, Terena Adare, has granted them some degree of safe housing. It will be a while before they go back to Coruscant again -- if anything, the two of them simply need to rest. Rest from the impact of the war.

Revan's been writing as well. Gann always liked to tell stories -- now he's telling their story. Malak's story, Juhani's story, Mission's story, Bastila's story, Zaalbar's story, Jolee's story, Canderous' story (although not all of it, he says. Canderous' story is still incomplete, in a way), the droids' stories, Yuthura's story, and most of all, Revan's story -- the tale of the prodigal knight. The good man who went to war and came back changed -- only to ultimately redeem himself in the end.

He's not finished, of course. Even now, working on the story with him, offering details to him that he may have forgotten, or was unable to know, there's too much for him to recover in terms of memories. Too much to still do.

Malak is gone now, but he's also left quite a mess in his wake --  there's still so much left to repair. Dantooine is just one site of the rebuilding. 

They will rebuild in time, though. 

It will be difficult, of course, but in the end -- all will be set right.