For allbingo
Jun. 7th, 2021 10:35 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyofleithianTitle: What She Didn’t Do
Summary: In the end, that hurts the most.
Prompt: Wine & Cheese
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author’s Notes: Kind of taking on the alternate interpretation (I think?) of whining.
It was easy to say that Kylo was just whining. Throwing some sort of galactic tantrum just because his parents weren’t perfect. And while he couldn’t bring himself to hate his parents — Kylo doubted that he ever could, actually — he felt a sense of betrayal even thinking about, not what they did, but what they didn’t do.
There were times, when Kylo didn’t want to think about it, where he wondered why his mother didn’t even try to help him when he was being mentally raped again and again. By Snoke, though he wasn’t really sure. Either way, she hadn’t stepped in to help him. Why she hadn’t taught him how to shield. Why she had just allowed it to happen.
Did she know? She was Force Sensitive. Did she care? Who knew?
There were times when Kylo did wonder that. Did she know, did she care? When icy fingers were rending his mind apart, did she care?
He still loved her, still couldn’t bring himself to kill the illusions in the Dagobah cave. He didn’t hate her; feeling betrayed wasn’t incompatible with loving someone. But it hurt, the idea that he cared about his mother, and she just...didn’t.
The opposite of love wasn’t hate. It was, simply, apathy — just not caring about someone. Just letting them be hurt because you didn’t care. Not visiting them at the Academy on Ajan Kloss because you didn’t care. Not coming for them when Snoke was hurting them further...all because you felt nothing but indifference towards your son. Your spawn, more like it.
It was easy to think Kylo was whining. But considering just how apathetic his mother turned out to be...it didn’t matter that she worked a lot. That didn’t matter. Kylo had heard of plenty of working mothers who were loving towards their children, who’d do anything to protect them.
It was that fact that Leia had simply felt apathy and indifference towards the boy she’d given birth to. And Kylo still didn’t know what exactly he had done, what was so horrible about him, that Leia would be indifferent towards him.
Shara wasn’t indifferent towards Ben. Or Poe. She had loved them both, cared for them.
Shara died, of course.
And Leia...
He ought to hate Poe. He ought to. Just for being Leia’s replacement son. But he only worried for Poe. Was Poe happy there? Did Leia treat him with the same indifference that she had with Ben?
Whatever trauma Leia had experienced, it wasn’t like Ben had anything to do with it. What she had gone through was before his time.
(All his thoughts were scattered, hurting, disconnected, jumping from thought to thought)
It all hurt. Everything hurt.
He didn’t hate his mother as much as he should have. But the pain still remained as he wondered what exactly was bad about him to make her not help him.
Summary: In the end, that hurts the most.
Prompt: Wine & Cheese
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author’s Notes: Kind of taking on the alternate interpretation (I think?) of whining.
It was easy to say that Kylo was just whining. Throwing some sort of galactic tantrum just because his parents weren’t perfect. And while he couldn’t bring himself to hate his parents — Kylo doubted that he ever could, actually — he felt a sense of betrayal even thinking about, not what they did, but what they didn’t do.
There were times, when Kylo didn’t want to think about it, where he wondered why his mother didn’t even try to help him when he was being mentally raped again and again. By Snoke, though he wasn’t really sure. Either way, she hadn’t stepped in to help him. Why she hadn’t taught him how to shield. Why she had just allowed it to happen.
Did she know? She was Force Sensitive. Did she care? Who knew?
There were times when Kylo did wonder that. Did she know, did she care? When icy fingers were rending his mind apart, did she care?
He still loved her, still couldn’t bring himself to kill the illusions in the Dagobah cave. He didn’t hate her; feeling betrayed wasn’t incompatible with loving someone. But it hurt, the idea that he cared about his mother, and she just...didn’t.
The opposite of love wasn’t hate. It was, simply, apathy — just not caring about someone. Just letting them be hurt because you didn’t care. Not visiting them at the Academy on Ajan Kloss because you didn’t care. Not coming for them when Snoke was hurting them further...all because you felt nothing but indifference towards your son. Your spawn, more like it.
It was easy to think Kylo was whining. But considering just how apathetic his mother turned out to be...it didn’t matter that she worked a lot. That didn’t matter. Kylo had heard of plenty of working mothers who were loving towards their children, who’d do anything to protect them.
It was that fact that Leia had simply felt apathy and indifference towards the boy she’d given birth to. And Kylo still didn’t know what exactly he had done, what was so horrible about him, that Leia would be indifferent towards him.
Shara wasn’t indifferent towards Ben. Or Poe. She had loved them both, cared for them.
Shara died, of course.
And Leia...
He ought to hate Poe. He ought to. Just for being Leia’s replacement son. But he only worried for Poe. Was Poe happy there? Did Leia treat him with the same indifference that she had with Ben?
Whatever trauma Leia had experienced, it wasn’t like Ben had anything to do with it. What she had gone through was before his time.
(All his thoughts were scattered, hurting, disconnected, jumping from thought to thought)
It all hurt. Everything hurt.
He didn’t hate his mother as much as he should have. But the pain still remained as he wondered what exactly was bad about him to make her not help him.
