ladyofleithian | For trope

Title: Nothing To Lose But You

Summary: Without Snoke and Palpatine in his head, Ben feels empty.

Prompt: Fix-It Fic

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Ben will admit that he’s not used to sleeping without the Voice in his head. He should be relieved; instead, he can’t help but feel a certain gnawing in his mind like mynocks on power cables and the feeling like what should be there isn’t there. After all, the Voice wasn’t all bad. It had comforted him when Mom and Dad had fought, when Ben was crouched on the floor of their Chandrila apartment knowing they wouldn’t hurt each other but wishing they’d stop fighting nonetheless because they were both good people and Ben didn’t want them to be sad.

The Voice did good for him. Of course, bad people can do good things, can’t they?

The gnawing in his head...Ben swears it will eat him alive. He swears that it will drive him mad, the fear that the Voice will come back and at the same time welcoming it. He looks down at Poe, who’s sleeping soundly, tangled in the sheets — somehow, Poe still doesn’t mind him sleeping next to him even though Ben tends to toss and turn in his sleep.

Ben looks down at Poe, struck all of a sudden by how peaceful he looks, waves of black hair falling smoothly around his face. The contrast of black lashes against sun-gold skin. Sun-gold skin, with bronze undertones.

It strikes Ben how beautiful Poe really is, and how in that moment, he’s really the only one that Ben can trust. The only one that he can be around. He doesn’t know if he wants to be around anyone else right now.

He settles back onto his pillow, content for the moment to watch Poe. He’s known he’s loved Poe for a long while — only reinforced by Poe’s kindness, by his simply honest faith in just about everyone. Even Ben. Enough faith to let Ben sleep beside him at night when the mynock-like gnawing in his head gets too much to bear.

There aren’t words for how he feels. He can try anyway.

“Hey.”

Poe sleeps on. Ben is struck in that moment by how peaceful he looks, and how Ben wants to protect him from everything. Even him.

“Thank you.” Ben says. “For letting me sleep here. With you. It’s still something I wonder about. Not just because I thrash,” and he almost smiles, “But because I’m...me.”

Poe mutters something before nuzzling against Ben. Ben smiles.

“I look at you,” he says, “And it’s like I’m safe. It’s like I’m home. It’s like you see the worst of me and you don’t run away. It’s like you look at me, and I’m not this broken mess of a sentient being.”

Poe’s breathing is steady. Honest.

“You’re a good man,” Ben says. “I know you. I wish that other people could see you the way I do. See the shining light that I’ve promised to protect. It sounds weird, me protecting you — considering what a mess I am. But you mean everything to me, Poe. I love you, Poe. You mean the galaxy to me, and I feel like such an idiot I didn’t tell you...”

Silence. Then, Poe saying softly, “You’re not a mess.”

Poe stirred, looked at Ben, and Ben winced; had Poe really heard everything?

“Stang,” he said, "I’m so sorry...”

“No.” Poe cupped his cheek. “I love you, Ben. I love you so much...”

He felt Poe’s lips graze his own, sweet and soft at first before getting more feeling, and Ben couldn’t help but be overwhelmingly grateful for this moment of happiness.