For allbingo
Sep. 12th, 2020 07:03 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyofleithianTitle: The Inside Out
Summary: Voe and Ben aren’t as different as Voe thinks.
Prompt: Negative Self-Talk
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
You’re not good enough.
That was something that gnawed at Voe despite herself, something that made her wonder if she was being eaten from the inside out. It wasn’t like she was completely inept, but Ben Solo...
Ben was...skilled. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was inexplicably trying to be nice to her, seemed worried about her, Voe wouldn’t have a problem hating him. (That and there was the “Jedi don’t hate” thing. Whoever wrote that part of the Jedi Code had no idea how sentient nature worked)
You’re weak. Pathetic. A disgrace to the Jedi Order.
Voe gritted her teeth. Those were the bad nights, when her desire for perfection decided to bleed over into when she was trying to study. Master Skywalker had given her one of those old Jedi texts, and she was underlining, highlighting...
Ben Solo will always be better than you. You’re nothing.
Voe groaned in frustration. The worst part was that the voice really did sound like her foster father, when he’d had too much to drink. He got verbally abusive when he was drunk, saying things about Voe that would make even the nicest pacifist start shooting people.
You’re nothing you’re nothing you’re nothing —
If Voe pressed the pen too hard into the pages of the text, puncturing it, she was too upset to really notice.
***
“You okay?”
Voe sighed in exasperation. Like things weren’t bad enough, Ben Solo actually had to be concerned for her. If he was just an arrogant jerk, Voe would just assume that he’d gotten to the top by being Master Skywalker’s only nephew...but instead he had to simply not leave her alone in terms of trying to be friends with her, and it only irritated Voe more.
“Go bother Tai,” she muttered. “Or somebody.”
“You just seem tired, that’s all.”
“ ‘M fine,” Voe muttered.
Ben sighed. “I just don’t want you to be...upset. I’m sorry about the duel.”
“Doesn’t matter.” Voe said. “Why aren’t you gloating anyway?” She looked up at Ben, noticing he seemed a bit...shaky. Jittery. Getting into caf products, she could only assume. “Hell, you look tired too.”
Ben nodded. “I had a bad night. Like you probably did.”
Like hell you did, Voe thought. Ben didn’t know what it was like, trying to be perfect, thinking that even decent wasn’t enough. To feel like you were that scared kid in a shabby apartment...
Ben winced. Voe realized, with a jolt, that he’d overheard her. He and Tai seemed to have similar, uncanny abilities.
“You, a bad night? What would you have to worry about?” Voe said. “You have it made...”
Ben suddenly went still. Statue-like. If Voe didn’t know better, she would say he looked terrified.
She wasn’t heartless enough to leap on him for it.
“Something wrong?” she said, hesitantly.
Ben shook his head. “Fine," he said. He didn’t even sound mad. He didn’t sound like Voe had made him angry. He just sounded vulnerable.
Despite herself, Voe wondered if Ben had his share of monsters too.
Summary: Voe and Ben aren’t as different as Voe thinks.
Prompt: Negative Self-Talk
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
You’re not good enough.
That was something that gnawed at Voe despite herself, something that made her wonder if she was being eaten from the inside out. It wasn’t like she was completely inept, but Ben Solo...
Ben was...skilled. If it wasn’t for the fact that he was inexplicably trying to be nice to her, seemed worried about her, Voe wouldn’t have a problem hating him. (That and there was the “Jedi don’t hate” thing. Whoever wrote that part of the Jedi Code had no idea how sentient nature worked)
You’re weak. Pathetic. A disgrace to the Jedi Order.
Voe gritted her teeth. Those were the bad nights, when her desire for perfection decided to bleed over into when she was trying to study. Master Skywalker had given her one of those old Jedi texts, and she was underlining, highlighting...
Ben Solo will always be better than you. You’re nothing.
Voe groaned in frustration. The worst part was that the voice really did sound like her foster father, when he’d had too much to drink. He got verbally abusive when he was drunk, saying things about Voe that would make even the nicest pacifist start shooting people.
You’re nothing you’re nothing you’re nothing —
If Voe pressed the pen too hard into the pages of the text, puncturing it, she was too upset to really notice.
***
“You okay?”
Voe sighed in exasperation. Like things weren’t bad enough, Ben Solo actually had to be concerned for her. If he was just an arrogant jerk, Voe would just assume that he’d gotten to the top by being Master Skywalker’s only nephew...but instead he had to simply not leave her alone in terms of trying to be friends with her, and it only irritated Voe more.
“Go bother Tai,” she muttered. “Or somebody.”
“You just seem tired, that’s all.”
“ ‘M fine,” Voe muttered.
Ben sighed. “I just don’t want you to be...upset. I’m sorry about the duel.”
“Doesn’t matter.” Voe said. “Why aren’t you gloating anyway?” She looked up at Ben, noticing he seemed a bit...shaky. Jittery. Getting into caf products, she could only assume. “Hell, you look tired too.”
Ben nodded. “I had a bad night. Like you probably did.”
Like hell you did, Voe thought. Ben didn’t know what it was like, trying to be perfect, thinking that even decent wasn’t enough. To feel like you were that scared kid in a shabby apartment...
Ben winced. Voe realized, with a jolt, that he’d overheard her. He and Tai seemed to have similar, uncanny abilities.
“You, a bad night? What would you have to worry about?” Voe said. “You have it made...”
Ben suddenly went still. Statue-like. If Voe didn’t know better, she would say he looked terrified.
She wasn’t heartless enough to leap on him for it.
“Something wrong?” she said, hesitantly.
Ben shook his head. “Fine," he said. He didn’t even sound mad. He didn’t sound like Voe had made him angry. He just sounded vulnerable.
Despite herself, Voe wondered if Ben had his share of monsters too.
