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ladyofleithianI saw The Rise of Skywalker in theaters, and even though there were some good ideas in there, there were also some ideas that just seemed to be on. Crack.
Things I loved:
-The opening scene with Kylo and Palpatine was creepy as hell, and actually did provide a revelation that didn’t make me go “Are you on crack, JJ?” The revelation that Palpatine basically imitated Snoke, Vader, etc. makes sense, and it makes sense that Palpatine would do with Kylo what he did with Anakin. Even if it does make Snoke a tad pointless. (Seriously, if they wanted to go with Palpatine, why not go with Palpatine?)
-Jannah. What a badass woman. I love her so, so much. I really hope that Naomi Ackie doesn’t get the same backlash Kelly Marie Tran did, especially given that Jannah was both a complete sweetheart and a badass. I was afraid it would be Rose Tico all over again, and I am so happy that they didn’t go that route.
-Lando! He got to kick a lot of ass in this movie. I think the movie really did do justice to him. (Also, yay, the movie didn’t kill him off!)
-Luke’s appearance. Given how much I hated him in TLJ (to the point that when he died zero fucks were given), JJ actually did rescue him from the scrappy heap, and I’m grateful for that. Luke’s appearance, including him mentioning that “yeah, I didn’t act Jedi-like when I came to Ach-To”, really did feel like an apology for what a loser he was in TLJ.
-The droid Dio (I probably fucked up his name, sorry) was absolutely adorable.
-Rey! Seriously, JJ did a good job of using the Dark Rey thing as a characterization device to show that she was having doubts. I thought Dark Rey was going to be used as a way to shit on Rey (because of, IMHO, how thoroughly TLJ did it), but JJ did do a good job in using it in a way that added depth to Rey’s character. Even though I thought that Rey being a Palpatine was an Ass Pull.
-Rey’s parents. Cool characters, wish their origin had been better.
-Kylo’s redemption actually didn’t feel like an Ass Pull. And Han’s cameo actually did work and was emotional. (Hey, TFA Han is a legend and will not be shat upon)
-Poe admitting to a dead Leia that he’s scared actually did make me feel bad for him and wasn’t (completely) fist-fucked by the fact Poe was being an asshole that Denis Leary would give the thumbs-up to. Really, that was actually a good scene.
-I don’t hate Leia anymore. JJ really did give her a good send-off, in terms of her showing her son that she still loved and believed in him. So...Leia, I forgive you. (JJ also redeemed that Leia Poppins scene by showing Leia had trained beforehand, even if the mechanics of breathing in space are ridiculous. I mean, Leia’s not Batman, Rian Johnson)
-The galaxy coming to the Resistance’s aid was genuinely awesome.
Things that I didn’t:
-JJ really did do something amazing, and by amazing, I mean how-the-fuck-did-this-happen. He made me hate Poe Dameron. Yes, the same Poe Dameron that I fell in love with when he sassed Kylo Ren (by the way, zero Poe and Kylo interactions, even though it would have made sense for them to interact given that Poe is the leader of the Resistance. Alas, they couldn’t give a fuck) and showed Finn the first kindness that he had been shown as a stormtrooper. Even in TLJ, Poe had genuinely good intentions — he didn’t rebel against Holdo because he was a misogynist. He rebelled against her because she wasn’t communicating with him (Y’know, like a Vice Admiral should?) and because he was scared for people dying. Here? He’s just a Jerkass for no reason, arguing with Rey, treating Finn (IMHO) like shit, being mean to Threepio in ways that even Han didn’t cross the line with...yeah, Threepio was kind of the Butt Monkey in the OT, but Poe treating him that way makes no sense because one of Poe’s defining traits is his kindness and treating people like equals. This is the same man who said to one of his squadmates, “I’m the best, but you’re the best too.” I’m not saying that Poe should have to be a saint all the time because I’m sure even All Loving Heroes have their run-out-of-fucks-to-give days and it’s unfair to POC to be expected to be nice all the time no doubt, but this wasn’t something that was acknowledged. This was just Poe being a prickly douchebag, and it got to the point that when there were tense moments like him, Finn and Chewie about to be executed by firing squad or the battle of Discount-Moraband (yes, I forgot the name. I might as well call it Discount-Moraband because I have no clue why they couldn’t have just incorporated Moraband), I just gave not one fuck. Even Oscar Isaac’s charisma couldn’t save this one.
-Rey’s parentage was an Ass Pull. Seriously, I might have used Rey Palpatine in one of my fics, but I was mostly just flinging shit at the wall and seeing what stuck, and I regretted using it. The very idea of Palpatine boinking really feels like something out of the Jedi Prince books (yes, Palpatine has a son there. I can only assume Rey’s dad is Trioculus — yeah, I know I fucked up his name — if he were a good guy). Of all the things to rip off, JJ, ripping off The Glove of Darth Vader is an awful, awful idea. I can’t believe I’m assuming that JJ actually ripped off that weird relic. (Also, check out masterghandalf’s recaps on das_sporking; they’re hilarious)
Honestly, I can understand why JJ made the choice he made because he really was dealing with two very loud sides. On the one hand, you have the Rey Skywalker or Rey Solo people, who were pretty pissed that Rey didn’t turn out to be that. (I remember one female YouTuber claiming that Rian Johnson was pandering to “fat, lonely cat-ladies” and suggesting some really elitist things like Rey-can’t-be-competent-without-a-strong-bloodline) On the other hand, you have the Reylos, who...go without saying. But I honestly think that Rey and Kylo should have been related (even if it does make the Shirtless Scene squicky. Hey, Luke and Leia played tonsil hockey in ESB, so...). It would have killed several birds with one stone. It would have served the same purpose as her being a Palpatine, knowing she had a great potential for good and evil in her and knowing she was either the cousin or the sister of a dictator and hell, it could have been a great set-up for conflict, a sort of realization that “hey, this could be me”. It would have explained why Anakin’s lightsaber called out to her in Maz’s palace. And it would have added more depth between Rey and Kylo and explained Kylo’s weird kinship with Rey.
The idea of a heroic Palpatine is interesting for sure. But it’s also nonsensical, and I think Rey being a Skywalker or a Solo would have had the same effect. (Yeah, she takes the name Skywalker at the end, but I think her being a biological Skywalker heir wouldn’t have seemed like such a goddamn Ass Pull)
-And speaking of Ass Pulls, what the fuck was that backstory with Poe and Zorii Bliss? I mean...I was spoiled-ish for Rey Palpatine, but I was caught off-guard by the revelation that Poe used to be a spice dealer, and not in the “wow, that’s a cool twist” way. It’s made even worse because we have the backstory of Poe having been in the New Republic Navy before effectively going Screw This I’m Outta Here. Zorii...I think she had the potential to be a great character, and Keri Russell did a great job, but it’s kind of ruined by the fact that Poe’s history with her was completely pulled out of JJ’s ass. Just...honestly, even though I doubt Oscar or JJ knew anything about the Poe-and-Kylo-knew-each-other thing, it would have at least been interesting if that was a reveal, because (and yeah, maybe I’m still holding on to this ship and I need to let go and come over to the het side and yadda yadda) it would have actually addressed Poe’s torture in Episode Seven (though given that Rey’s torture is never mentioned again, you could say both interrogations were gigantic Big Lipped Alligator Moments) outside of (a) Poe Dameron’s Flight Log — you know it’s bad when a fucking children’s book treats Poe’s trauma with more respect than the actual film /- and (b) Poe going “lol, me and Rey are torture buddies” in one of the Poe Dameron comics). It would have filled in a lot of blanks (like how Poe recognized Kylo on Crait, why Ben’s name was in the code to bring his X-wing to him — seriously, are there just a lot of “Bens” in the galaxy, Charles Soule? Does Poe have a cousin named Ben we don’t know about? — that whole thing in the TLJ novelization about Leia knowing Poe since he was a kid...even if you don’t ship Darkpilot, fine, but are we just going to pretend they never existed?). It would have added pathos. It would have been something we hadn’t seen in Star Wars before and yet the perfect twist for a melodramatic space opera. They didn’t have to go for lovers; any relationship between Poe and Kylo would have been fine.
So yeah, my dislike of Zorii isn’t a Die For Our Ship thing; I’m not childish enough to go that route. (Hell, maybe I’ll do a Zorii/Poe/Ben threesome in the future) I dislike the idea of her because she makes no goddamn sense, and any attempt at emotion with her and Poe was fist-fucked by the whole “what the fuck was that retcon?!” And it’s not like JJ gave me anything good to replace it with. That’s my problem with my Headcanons being Jossed; JJ’s not giving me anything that makes sense to replace it with. People who say “lol you’re just upset that your headcanons got sunk” are people who say that you’re spoiled for asking for better quality canon.
*Sighs* So yeah, Zorii, I don’t really hate your character; I thought you had a cool personality and a cool design, but your concept really got fist-fucked by the utter Ass Pull that was your history with Poe. If it’s all the same to you, I’ll be...I dunno, shipping Zorii with Lando or something.
-And speaking more of Ass Pulls, Hux being a Resistance spy? Are you shitting me? I mean, yeah, obvious fact that Hux hates Kylo is obvious, but motherfucker, if Hux hated Kylo so much, he would have tried staging his own coup, not deciding “y’know what, maybe I should sell intel to the Resistance”. I mean, Hux hates the Resistance. He made it abundantly clear in his Starkiller Base speech (and JJ worked on the script for TFA, so what’s his excuse?) that he hates them. Y’know, the “loathsome Resistance” and shit? Wouldn’t the not-obviously-high-on-crack option be to have Hux try and stage his own coup? Oh my God, the fanfics really are writing themselves, aren’t they?
(Though I guess fanfic’s no use. The movie’s already been released; unless we do Endgame-style time travel, we can’t undo what’s been done. Just...tell me fanfic still means something)
-Some stuff on screen was an obvious rip-off of the OT, like Palpatine forcing Rey to watch the fleet being destroyed, as well as Rey and Kylo’s conversation about her parentage.
-Rey and Kylo kissed. To quote Charlie Brown, auuuuuuuuuugh! It’s not just Darkpilot that I’m mourning, but FinnRey. (Seriously, what did FinnRey do to literally anyone?) It’s a bit weird because Kylo/Ben dies afterwards, but still, auuuuuuuuugh. (Yeah, that sound you heard? That was the sound of two ships sinking)
-Finn didn’t even get to have a rematch with Kylo. Just...auuuuuuuuugh! (It’s bizarre that the film seems allergic to anything interesting, and when they do decide to be interesting, it’s the what-crack-are-you-using-so-I-can-avoid-it interesting)
So it’s a weird case. Honestly, the Sequel Trilogy started out with really strong promise in Episode Seven. We had great characters, strong emotional moments...true, maybe the plot wasn’t the most original in the world, but it didn’t matter. We had great mysteries too — what happened to Kylo? What happened to Rey? Who is Snoke? Et cetera. And then the middle and end just fell apart. There were great ideas in TROS, but there were also a lot of bad ones that no one sat JJ down for and said, “Boss, lay off the crack.”
I’m actually proposing something that may get me ridiculed, but I don’t care: I’m rewriting the Sequel Trilogy. Even if nobody wants to read it, even if people think I’m a fool for trying. The Sequel Trilogy could have been truly the trilogy — after the disaster that was the old post-ROTJ EU, and the TOR MMO deciding to shit on Revan and the Exile — that saved Star Wars. Even if nobody cares what I have to write or say (which may be the case on AO3; writing a rare pairing does that to you), at least I’ll be trying. I hope.
Things I loved:
-The opening scene with Kylo and Palpatine was creepy as hell, and actually did provide a revelation that didn’t make me go “Are you on crack, JJ?” The revelation that Palpatine basically imitated Snoke, Vader, etc. makes sense, and it makes sense that Palpatine would do with Kylo what he did with Anakin. Even if it does make Snoke a tad pointless. (Seriously, if they wanted to go with Palpatine, why not go with Palpatine?)
-Jannah. What a badass woman. I love her so, so much. I really hope that Naomi Ackie doesn’t get the same backlash Kelly Marie Tran did, especially given that Jannah was both a complete sweetheart and a badass. I was afraid it would be Rose Tico all over again, and I am so happy that they didn’t go that route.
-Lando! He got to kick a lot of ass in this movie. I think the movie really did do justice to him. (Also, yay, the movie didn’t kill him off!)
-Luke’s appearance. Given how much I hated him in TLJ (to the point that when he died zero fucks were given), JJ actually did rescue him from the scrappy heap, and I’m grateful for that. Luke’s appearance, including him mentioning that “yeah, I didn’t act Jedi-like when I came to Ach-To”, really did feel like an apology for what a loser he was in TLJ.
-The droid Dio (I probably fucked up his name, sorry) was absolutely adorable.
-Rey! Seriously, JJ did a good job of using the Dark Rey thing as a characterization device to show that she was having doubts. I thought Dark Rey was going to be used as a way to shit on Rey (because of, IMHO, how thoroughly TLJ did it), but JJ did do a good job in using it in a way that added depth to Rey’s character. Even though I thought that Rey being a Palpatine was an Ass Pull.
-Rey’s parents. Cool characters, wish their origin had been better.
-Kylo’s redemption actually didn’t feel like an Ass Pull. And Han’s cameo actually did work and was emotional. (Hey, TFA Han is a legend and will not be shat upon)
-Poe admitting to a dead Leia that he’s scared actually did make me feel bad for him and wasn’t (completely) fist-fucked by the fact Poe was being an asshole that Denis Leary would give the thumbs-up to. Really, that was actually a good scene.
-I don’t hate Leia anymore. JJ really did give her a good send-off, in terms of her showing her son that she still loved and believed in him. So...Leia, I forgive you. (JJ also redeemed that Leia Poppins scene by showing Leia had trained beforehand, even if the mechanics of breathing in space are ridiculous. I mean, Leia’s not Batman, Rian Johnson)
-The galaxy coming to the Resistance’s aid was genuinely awesome.
Things that I didn’t:
-JJ really did do something amazing, and by amazing, I mean how-the-fuck-did-this-happen. He made me hate Poe Dameron. Yes, the same Poe Dameron that I fell in love with when he sassed Kylo Ren (by the way, zero Poe and Kylo interactions, even though it would have made sense for them to interact given that Poe is the leader of the Resistance. Alas, they couldn’t give a fuck) and showed Finn the first kindness that he had been shown as a stormtrooper. Even in TLJ, Poe had genuinely good intentions — he didn’t rebel against Holdo because he was a misogynist. He rebelled against her because she wasn’t communicating with him (Y’know, like a Vice Admiral should?) and because he was scared for people dying. Here? He’s just a Jerkass for no reason, arguing with Rey, treating Finn (IMHO) like shit, being mean to Threepio in ways that even Han didn’t cross the line with...yeah, Threepio was kind of the Butt Monkey in the OT, but Poe treating him that way makes no sense because one of Poe’s defining traits is his kindness and treating people like equals. This is the same man who said to one of his squadmates, “I’m the best, but you’re the best too.” I’m not saying that Poe should have to be a saint all the time because I’m sure even All Loving Heroes have their run-out-of-fucks-to-give days and it’s unfair to POC to be expected to be nice all the time no doubt, but this wasn’t something that was acknowledged. This was just Poe being a prickly douchebag, and it got to the point that when there were tense moments like him, Finn and Chewie about to be executed by firing squad or the battle of Discount-Moraband (yes, I forgot the name. I might as well call it Discount-Moraband because I have no clue why they couldn’t have just incorporated Moraband), I just gave not one fuck. Even Oscar Isaac’s charisma couldn’t save this one.
-Rey’s parentage was an Ass Pull. Seriously, I might have used Rey Palpatine in one of my fics, but I was mostly just flinging shit at the wall and seeing what stuck, and I regretted using it. The very idea of Palpatine boinking really feels like something out of the Jedi Prince books (yes, Palpatine has a son there. I can only assume Rey’s dad is Trioculus — yeah, I know I fucked up his name — if he were a good guy). Of all the things to rip off, JJ, ripping off The Glove of Darth Vader is an awful, awful idea. I can’t believe I’m assuming that JJ actually ripped off that weird relic. (Also, check out masterghandalf’s recaps on das_sporking; they’re hilarious)
Honestly, I can understand why JJ made the choice he made because he really was dealing with two very loud sides. On the one hand, you have the Rey Skywalker or Rey Solo people, who were pretty pissed that Rey didn’t turn out to be that. (I remember one female YouTuber claiming that Rian Johnson was pandering to “fat, lonely cat-ladies” and suggesting some really elitist things like Rey-can’t-be-competent-without-a-strong-bloodline) On the other hand, you have the Reylos, who...go without saying. But I honestly think that Rey and Kylo should have been related (even if it does make the Shirtless Scene squicky. Hey, Luke and Leia played tonsil hockey in ESB, so...). It would have killed several birds with one stone. It would have served the same purpose as her being a Palpatine, knowing she had a great potential for good and evil in her and knowing she was either the cousin or the sister of a dictator and hell, it could have been a great set-up for conflict, a sort of realization that “hey, this could be me”. It would have explained why Anakin’s lightsaber called out to her in Maz’s palace. And it would have added more depth between Rey and Kylo and explained Kylo’s weird kinship with Rey.
The idea of a heroic Palpatine is interesting for sure. But it’s also nonsensical, and I think Rey being a Skywalker or a Solo would have had the same effect. (Yeah, she takes the name Skywalker at the end, but I think her being a biological Skywalker heir wouldn’t have seemed like such a goddamn Ass Pull)
-And speaking of Ass Pulls, what the fuck was that backstory with Poe and Zorii Bliss? I mean...I was spoiled-ish for Rey Palpatine, but I was caught off-guard by the revelation that Poe used to be a spice dealer, and not in the “wow, that’s a cool twist” way. It’s made even worse because we have the backstory of Poe having been in the New Republic Navy before effectively going Screw This I’m Outta Here. Zorii...I think she had the potential to be a great character, and Keri Russell did a great job, but it’s kind of ruined by the fact that Poe’s history with her was completely pulled out of JJ’s ass. Just...honestly, even though I doubt Oscar or JJ knew anything about the Poe-and-Kylo-knew-each-other thing, it would have at least been interesting if that was a reveal, because (and yeah, maybe I’m still holding on to this ship and I need to let go and come over to the het side and yadda yadda) it would have actually addressed Poe’s torture in Episode Seven (though given that Rey’s torture is never mentioned again, you could say both interrogations were gigantic Big Lipped Alligator Moments) outside of (a) Poe Dameron’s Flight Log — you know it’s bad when a fucking children’s book treats Poe’s trauma with more respect than the actual film /- and (b) Poe going “lol, me and Rey are torture buddies” in one of the Poe Dameron comics). It would have filled in a lot of blanks (like how Poe recognized Kylo on Crait, why Ben’s name was in the code to bring his X-wing to him — seriously, are there just a lot of “Bens” in the galaxy, Charles Soule? Does Poe have a cousin named Ben we don’t know about? — that whole thing in the TLJ novelization about Leia knowing Poe since he was a kid...even if you don’t ship Darkpilot, fine, but are we just going to pretend they never existed?). It would have added pathos. It would have been something we hadn’t seen in Star Wars before and yet the perfect twist for a melodramatic space opera. They didn’t have to go for lovers; any relationship between Poe and Kylo would have been fine.
So yeah, my dislike of Zorii isn’t a Die For Our Ship thing; I’m not childish enough to go that route. (Hell, maybe I’ll do a Zorii/Poe/Ben threesome in the future) I dislike the idea of her because she makes no goddamn sense, and any attempt at emotion with her and Poe was fist-fucked by the whole “what the fuck was that retcon?!” And it’s not like JJ gave me anything good to replace it with. That’s my problem with my Headcanons being Jossed; JJ’s not giving me anything that makes sense to replace it with. People who say “lol you’re just upset that your headcanons got sunk” are people who say that you’re spoiled for asking for better quality canon.
*Sighs* So yeah, Zorii, I don’t really hate your character; I thought you had a cool personality and a cool design, but your concept really got fist-fucked by the utter Ass Pull that was your history with Poe. If it’s all the same to you, I’ll be...I dunno, shipping Zorii with Lando or something.
-And speaking more of Ass Pulls, Hux being a Resistance spy? Are you shitting me? I mean, yeah, obvious fact that Hux hates Kylo is obvious, but motherfucker, if Hux hated Kylo so much, he would have tried staging his own coup, not deciding “y’know what, maybe I should sell intel to the Resistance”. I mean, Hux hates the Resistance. He made it abundantly clear in his Starkiller Base speech (and JJ worked on the script for TFA, so what’s his excuse?) that he hates them. Y’know, the “loathsome Resistance” and shit? Wouldn’t the not-obviously-high-on-crack option be to have Hux try and stage his own coup? Oh my God, the fanfics really are writing themselves, aren’t they?
(Though I guess fanfic’s no use. The movie’s already been released; unless we do Endgame-style time travel, we can’t undo what’s been done. Just...tell me fanfic still means something)
-Some stuff on screen was an obvious rip-off of the OT, like Palpatine forcing Rey to watch the fleet being destroyed, as well as Rey and Kylo’s conversation about her parentage.
-Rey and Kylo kissed. To quote Charlie Brown, auuuuuuuuuugh! It’s not just Darkpilot that I’m mourning, but FinnRey. (Seriously, what did FinnRey do to literally anyone?) It’s a bit weird because Kylo/Ben dies afterwards, but still, auuuuuuuuugh. (Yeah, that sound you heard? That was the sound of two ships sinking)
-Finn didn’t even get to have a rematch with Kylo. Just...auuuuuuuuugh! (It’s bizarre that the film seems allergic to anything interesting, and when they do decide to be interesting, it’s the what-crack-are-you-using-so-I-can-avoid-it interesting)
So it’s a weird case. Honestly, the Sequel Trilogy started out with really strong promise in Episode Seven. We had great characters, strong emotional moments...true, maybe the plot wasn’t the most original in the world, but it didn’t matter. We had great mysteries too — what happened to Kylo? What happened to Rey? Who is Snoke? Et cetera. And then the middle and end just fell apart. There were great ideas in TROS, but there were also a lot of bad ones that no one sat JJ down for and said, “Boss, lay off the crack.”
I’m actually proposing something that may get me ridiculed, but I don’t care: I’m rewriting the Sequel Trilogy. Even if nobody wants to read it, even if people think I’m a fool for trying. The Sequel Trilogy could have been truly the trilogy — after the disaster that was the old post-ROTJ EU, and the TOR MMO deciding to shit on Revan and the Exile — that saved Star Wars. Even if nobody cares what I have to write or say (which may be the case on AO3; writing a rare pairing does that to you), at least I’ll be trying. I hope.
