For trope_bingo
Sep. 20th, 2019 07:15 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyofleithianTitle: Star-Crossed Nightmares
Summary: After the incident in the Dagobah cave, Kylo finds that even in his dreams, he’s not immune from the call to the Light.
Prompt: Forbidden Fruit
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author’s Notes: Based loosely on spoilers I read for the Snoke comic, but you don’t have to (quite) read that story to understand this one.
Sleep was difficult as it was, Kylo found. He never knew when the Finalizer would be attacked, even though it roamed through the depths of space, away from everyone, across stars and planets and moons. And then there were the nightmares that he had become used to. Sometimes they were faces of the Jedi he had murdered, or the Academy on fire. He could still see their faces looking up at him accusingly, shocked. You killed Skywalker, they said without speaking. How could you kill him? Your own uncle?
He saw the face of his first interrogation subject. The look of pain, and terror — had he mentally raped her? Snoke said that it didn’t matter, but even that look on her face, of dread and terror, quietly begging him to stop...
You have too much compassion, Snoke said to him after that. But you will learn. The years will turn your heart to ice, and it will get easier. I am old, after all, and have learned much of it.
Even that idea was frightening to the pathetic part of Kylo that was still Ben Solo — becoming like Snoke. As hardened and roughened and cruel, willing to do whatever he could in order to get what he wanted. He could imagine his heart frosting over like the ice on Telos’ surface, and he couldn’t —
And of course, he saw Poe. Leaving Poe behind on Yavin, seeing the look in his eyes like Ben had shattered him, over and over again. Like a glitched holo, a stuck recording. His words to Poe, reassuring him that they’d meet again, no matter how far in the future. It had been for Poe’s own good — where Kylo Ren went, Poe Dameron could not follow. He loved Poe — loved him with all he was and all he could be, but it was for the best. To keep him safe. He couldn’t imagine Poe being broken under Snoke’s training, or even something so prosaic as Hux’s or anyone else’s.
It was for the best. Even though it hurt. Even though it felt like losing a limb.
So Kylo lay there, wanting to sleep, but afraid of what he would see, inevitably, when he did sleep. Sleep always did seem like a primary source of psychological warfare. Now was no exception. He tried picturing his grandfather’s image — tall, armored, a natural leader. He doubted he could be Vader. He wanted to be.
***
He dreamed of returning to Yavin IV. His uncle was gone, which didn’t quite tip off Kylo that this was all in his mind — after all, his uncle was dead. Good riddance, he thought. Ben Solo would have found that thought unthinkable. Kylo Ren doubted he’d ever forgive his uncle.
Poe’s house was right as he left it. Cozy. A sort of sanctuary. He remembered times he had slept over at Poe’s house — times when he wondered how, quite, to vocalize his feelings for his best friend.
He stopped at the door. How would he explain everything to Poe? Anything at all? Why he left? Why he sought to protect Poe? The sight of seeing his own uncle standing over him with an ignited lightsaber —
He knocked.
And yet, when Poe answered, he had a sort of incandescent joy lighting up his face. “Ben!” he said. And somehow, in the dream, Kylo couldn’t say he minded. “Thank the stars; you’re home.”
And somehow, in that moment, nothing else mattered except them.
***
Waking up was something that Kylo couldn’t bear to do, almost. He had to — Knights of Ren had no room to care for others, let alone those who were good as enemies of the First Order. But in a way, hadn’t he created his own enemy, in seeking to keep Poe safe?
His last selfless act, because he couldn’t in good conscience drag Poe down with him. They were on opposite sides of the galaxy, but it wasn’t exactly like that was far, at least in dreams.
And he would keep dreams like this locked away, just like other things he had successfully hidden from Snoke, because in the end, he had to.
Summary: After the incident in the Dagobah cave, Kylo finds that even in his dreams, he’s not immune from the call to the Light.
Prompt: Forbidden Fruit
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author’s Notes: Based loosely on spoilers I read for the Snoke comic, but you don’t have to (quite) read that story to understand this one.
Sleep was difficult as it was, Kylo found. He never knew when the Finalizer would be attacked, even though it roamed through the depths of space, away from everyone, across stars and planets and moons. And then there were the nightmares that he had become used to. Sometimes they were faces of the Jedi he had murdered, or the Academy on fire. He could still see their faces looking up at him accusingly, shocked. You killed Skywalker, they said without speaking. How could you kill him? Your own uncle?
He saw the face of his first interrogation subject. The look of pain, and terror — had he mentally raped her? Snoke said that it didn’t matter, but even that look on her face, of dread and terror, quietly begging him to stop...
You have too much compassion, Snoke said to him after that. But you will learn. The years will turn your heart to ice, and it will get easier. I am old, after all, and have learned much of it.
Even that idea was frightening to the pathetic part of Kylo that was still Ben Solo — becoming like Snoke. As hardened and roughened and cruel, willing to do whatever he could in order to get what he wanted. He could imagine his heart frosting over like the ice on Telos’ surface, and he couldn’t —
And of course, he saw Poe. Leaving Poe behind on Yavin, seeing the look in his eyes like Ben had shattered him, over and over again. Like a glitched holo, a stuck recording. His words to Poe, reassuring him that they’d meet again, no matter how far in the future. It had been for Poe’s own good — where Kylo Ren went, Poe Dameron could not follow. He loved Poe — loved him with all he was and all he could be, but it was for the best. To keep him safe. He couldn’t imagine Poe being broken under Snoke’s training, or even something so prosaic as Hux’s or anyone else’s.
It was for the best. Even though it hurt. Even though it felt like losing a limb.
So Kylo lay there, wanting to sleep, but afraid of what he would see, inevitably, when he did sleep. Sleep always did seem like a primary source of psychological warfare. Now was no exception. He tried picturing his grandfather’s image — tall, armored, a natural leader. He doubted he could be Vader. He wanted to be.
***
He dreamed of returning to Yavin IV. His uncle was gone, which didn’t quite tip off Kylo that this was all in his mind — after all, his uncle was dead. Good riddance, he thought. Ben Solo would have found that thought unthinkable. Kylo Ren doubted he’d ever forgive his uncle.
Poe’s house was right as he left it. Cozy. A sort of sanctuary. He remembered times he had slept over at Poe’s house — times when he wondered how, quite, to vocalize his feelings for his best friend.
He stopped at the door. How would he explain everything to Poe? Anything at all? Why he left? Why he sought to protect Poe? The sight of seeing his own uncle standing over him with an ignited lightsaber —
He knocked.
And yet, when Poe answered, he had a sort of incandescent joy lighting up his face. “Ben!” he said. And somehow, in the dream, Kylo couldn’t say he minded. “Thank the stars; you’re home.”
And somehow, in that moment, nothing else mattered except them.
***
Waking up was something that Kylo couldn’t bear to do, almost. He had to — Knights of Ren had no room to care for others, let alone those who were good as enemies of the First Order. But in a way, hadn’t he created his own enemy, in seeking to keep Poe safe?
His last selfless act, because he couldn’t in good conscience drag Poe down with him. They were on opposite sides of the galaxy, but it wasn’t exactly like that was far, at least in dreams.
And he would keep dreams like this locked away, just like other things he had successfully hidden from Snoke, because in the end, he had to.
