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ladyofleithianHello and welcome to the first episode of Oh For F**k's Sake, where I ramble about irrelevant crap and try my best to make it entertaining.
I'm your host, ladyhadhafang, and with you is the always awesome Freddy Krueger. How are you?
KRUEGER: I'm good. Suffering a bit from dream-killing withdrawal; when *are* you going to write that NIGHTMARE sequel?
ME: Oh, MASTER OF THE DREAM CHILD? When I finish KOTOR II, of course. ;-)
KRUEGER (deadpan): In other words, forever.
ME: Right. And today, I'm going to be talking about M. Night Shyamalan.
KRUEGER: Ah yes. Him. *Sighs* Permission to curl into a corner and have a good cry?
ME (smugly): No...
KRUEGER: Dammit...
M. Night is most well-known for The Sixth Sense, also known as "Wait a minute, I was dead all along? Goddammit..." But he also made some movies such as Praying With Anger (which was actually the first movie where he played the main character of his own movie) and Wide Awake (incidentally, one of the first movies that Julia Stiles of Ten Things I Hate About You fame starred in. Neat, huh?). Sixth Sense, however, was when he burst onto the scene. Then came Unbreakable, and...you know the rest.
Okay, now that the unnecessary, everyone-goddamn-knows-it-now exposition is out of the way, let's get to the meat of the matter. A lot of people say that M. Night is the only one with original ideas.
KRUEGER: Um, who?
ME: Oh, mostly his apologists, methinks. To be fair, originality is kind of strict in terms of definition, with people meaning you have to take the Refuge in Audacity route in terms of ideas. However, it's pretty galling that people take the "he's the only one with original ideas in Hollywood" when, in fact, a lot of his ideas can be traced to someone else. The Sixth Sense was inspired by an episode of Are You Afraid Of The Dark. The Village was inspired by Margaret Peterson Haddix's Running Out Of Time, right down to the climax -- the female main character discovers secrets when she ventures out of the safety of her village in search of medicine. Even Signs has similarity to Robert Mclliney's unproduced script Lord of the Barrens: The Jersey Devil. The last one's probably the most frivolous reason to sue somebody, but I think the arguments really do hold some water.
KRUEGER: Hnh.
ME: And then there's The Last Airbender. Shyamalan has said that he's always liked things like Lord of the Rings, Star Wars --
KRUEGER (deadpan): Suddenly I'm ashamed to be a fan of Peter Jackson.
ME: Well, don't. Anyways, the rip-off is probably the clearest in The Last Airbender. The Fire Nation's armor is similar to the Haradrim and Orcs' in Lord of the Rings. They're more technologically advanced.
KRUEGER: Well, to be fair, that was the case in the show, too.
ME: True. But that's actually one of the minor similarities. He even stole plot points and iconic scenes from Lord of the Rings and Star Wars too. The bowing back scene at the end...Return of the King. The Avatar isn't allowed to have a family? Attack of the Goddamn Clones. White heroes against dark skinned villains? (Beat) Okay, granted, it's in basically every Eurocentric fantasy ever...
KRUEGER: He stole a plot point from Attack of the Clones? What the -- I don't even -- I NEED --
CHRISTOPHER LLOYD: I was frozen to-day!
ME: Thank you, Christopher Lloyd. That just sums it all up. And rip-offs aside, that never happened in the show. Avatar Kuruk had a wife. Avatar Roku had a family. How the hell is he going to handle the whole thing with Roku being Zuko's great-grandfather?
KRUEGER (deadpan): Immaculate conception?
ME: Considering how much he's idolizing Zuko, that actually wouldn't be too far off.
KRUEGER: That, or Roku being the "exception". Or them getting punished. You could make a long list about the failtastic plot twists that arise from this one fuck-up.
ME: And then there's the whole "the Avatar is not allowed to harm anyone" bullcrap. Again, stolen from Star Wars. "A Jedi uses the Force for knowledge and defense, never for attack." Ironically, the show probably handled that one a lot better. "The Avatar is usually a peacekeeper, but can strike back if he or she needs to." I mean, Kyoshi and Chin, for example. And Roku and Sozin. Hell, the only reason that Aang didn't harm Ozai is because Aang's only twelve years old?
KRUEGER: The Moral Guardians would have had a field day if Aang had killed Ozai.
ME: Very true. That, and the fact that Buddhism has a "Thou shalt not kill" policy.
KRUEGER: So anyways...you're basically saying that Shyamalan didn't give a chitsky about the source material --
ME: Oh yes. Believe me, white heroes and dark skinned villains are the least of our problems, really.
KRUEGER: The bit about Arnook being dead, for example. And a princess being in charge. I mean...wouldn't that make Yue a Queen?
ME: Yes, very true.
KRUEGER: And taking out Hahn -- really, I doubt the movie would have suffered if Hahn had been put back in. And instead of development with Katara and Pakku, we get some self-important bullshit about how "water is acceptance". At least the show didn't pull stuff like that -- well, except for "The Guru", but it actually had a goddamn point.
ME: Speaking of which, you know the wave scene? That was actually taken from "The Guru". (Beat) Really, if Shyamalan had made his own movie, maybe it would have at least been So Bad It's Good, instead of a kick in the gonads to the Avatar fanbase.
KRUEGER: You said it.
ME: But enough about Avatar's Adaptation Decay. Let's move onto...the reasons why Shyamalan isn't a genius, but a posturing child. I remember the Racebenders calling Shyamalan "talented" -- which, okay, he is, but I think it was more because they didn't want to injure anyone. I feel kind of sorry for them now -- getting ridiculed for standing up for what they believe in. I mean, the guys who said they can leave the U.S. if they wanted to see Asians in movies -- I'll let Betty White speak for me:
BETTY WHITE: If I had a dick, this is where I would tell you to suck it.
KRUEGER: Where'd a nice girl like you learn something like this?
ME: Nash. He's pretty good at Corrupting the Cutie. ;-)
KRUEGER: Ah. Aha.
ME: I've already talked about the plaigarism accusations. But did you know that Shyamalan was actually part of a hoax to generate publicity for The Village? You know, the documentary talking about how he almost drowned as a child and came into contact with spirits --
KRUEGER: Oh sweet mother of Jesus. Seriously, that didn't just make the Devil cry. It broke his brain too!
ME: It did. It really did. Then there's how he threw a tantrum when sending Lady in the Water to Disney. You know, the ones that accepted The Sixth Sense and basically bent over backwards in order to get him to direct in the first place? He just threw a tantrum just because they wouldn't accept the script like it was the Ten Commandments. And the reason Disney rejected it? The film critic character, amongst others.
KRUEGER (deadpan): And considering the film critic character became the most likeable one in the film, this has to be the most unintentionally hilarious example of Hoist By His Own Petard.
ME: And then there's the whole thing regarding The Last Airbender, of course. Having a falling out with Sifu Kisu and Mike and Bryan, and then dissing the show for being full of "fart jokes". Let me ask you this, Krueger: did you find any of those?
KRUEGER: Nope. Nopey-nope. Granted, some dorkiness that unfortunately wouldn't make it to screen even if M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong --
ME: *Giggle*
KRUEGER: What?
ME: I needed the laugh. Thanks, Krueger.
KRUEGER: You're welcome. Anyways, some dorkiness that wouldn't make it to screen even if M. Night Shyama-llama-ding-dong wasn't in charge. Trust me, what works in a cartoon wouldn't work in a movie.
ME: And then there was "grounding" Sokka.
KRUEGER: If by "grounding" you mean "turning into a domestic abuser for no goddamn reason", you're definitely right about that.
ME: Unfortunately.
KRUEGER: And then there's Nicola Peltz...granted, she did try her damndest with Katara, but considering movie!Katara was kind of a mush-mouthed little weenie, that doesn't really say much. Seriously, why not Keisha Castle-Hughes or Q'orianka Kilcher? Or Annabella Piuggatuk?
ME: Maybe that's why he said "There's no Inuit woman who looks like Katara".
KRUEGER: *Sighs* Unfortunately.
ME: And he said something in an interview about looking for "good people", not "good actors". And he dissed Daniel Day-Lewis, to boot.
KRUEGER: Ouch.
ME: And he said something really squicky about Noah Ringer.
KRUEGER: Which one?
(Quoted for truth:
This kid is just a good human being. And literally I would give him my life, I think so much of him. And his parents, who are just amazing. That’s who you want there. He’s a homeschooled kid and he’s very pure, incredibly dedicated and thoughtful and loyal. Gosh, he’s everything we’d want. We wouldn’t want a kid pretending to do that, we want a kid who is that.)
KRUEGER: *Double take* My eyes! The goggles...they do nothing!
ME: You okay?
KRUEGER: Normally, that would be sweet, but...he's a little kid! And --
ME: Let's move on. Now, in case you're wondering, Nicola Peltz has watched the animated series. And she did do her damndest to act like Katara, I think. Really, the fault lies with M. Night.
KRUEGER: Actually, it's pretty confusing. On the one hand, Nicola Peltz said she did watch the animated series, but on the other hand, Shaun Toub said that he was told not to watch the animated series. So, either Nicola Peltz is trying to cover for Shyamalan, or Shyamalan pulled a Yoda on her.
ME: Mmm...maybe a little of both. (Beat) But yeah, regarding Noah, when the resident pedophile freaks out at what you say, you know you're fucked in the head.
KRUEGER: Hey, I'm mostly acting like one when your stories require me to. So what about Sifu Kisu?
ME: He accused Sifu Kisu of ripping off martial arts movies, even though --
KRUEGER: Yeah, I know.
ME: And yet he calls AIRBENDER a "Bruce Lee homage". What.
KRUEGER: He's a hypocrite. Or a blithering idiot. Either way, he fails.
ME: At least ILM has some measure of decency. I mean...they did try and show their work for Momo, the firebending, etc. etc.
KRUEGER: Yeah, but it doesn't look too good.
ME: According to Wikipedia, ILM talked extensively with Shyamalan. Which wouldn't be out of the ordinary, but stuff like that adds up to the fact that ultimately, the failure of ILM's usually awesome effects was ultimately Shyamalan's failing.
KRUEGER: Probably at home, scratching his head and not understanding why people don't get his genius, the poor bastard.
ME: Or not so poor.
KRUEGER: And then there's Paramount converting AIRBENDER into 3-D just to earn a healthy profit. So...is Paramount the real villain here?
ME: From the way Shyamalan's acting, you wouldn't have guessed.
KRUEGER: And then there's the whole "critics are just biased against Shyamalan".
ME: Which I at first believed. But then as I dug a little deeper, I realized it could be more than just that.
KRUEGER: I think in the end, M. Night Shyamalan should be blamed, if only for his egotism. Just to narrow it down a bit.
ME (deadpan): What a tweest. (normal) And I better go. Take care, Krueger. Try not to flip out and --
KRUEGER: Oh, I won't. Don't worry.
This has been ladyhadhafang. In the meantime...listen and learn.
