For genprompt bingo.
Mar. 16th, 2017 05:55 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyofleithianTitle: There For Him
Summary: The night that Casterfo reveals the truth about Ben's heritage, things take a wildly different turn.
Prompt: Fix-It
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: So, jumping ahead to when Ben's twenty-three and Casterfo decides to Ruin Everything by revealing Leia's parentage. This is probably the only part of this 'verse that is Bloodline compliant. I was wondering how to come up with certain stuff especially considering quite a bit of this was written pre-Bloodline (TBE was in development for a while), so...yeah. Not everything is Bloodline compliant. Also, you can thank one of James Scott Bell's writing books for the bartender's description.
But yeah, warnings in the story for alcohol abuse and later brief mentions of child abuse. And spoilers for Bloodline re: Casterfo being a jerk.
The bar was packed the moment that Poe Dameron came in to find his husband.
To say that the whole scene was a mess was putting it mildly. The patrons practically stank of alcohol and all sorts of stuff that Poe didn't even want to know existed, there was a heavy isotope song playing about lost starships, and oh yeah, there was no sign of Ben.
It was after practically wading through crowds of patrons that Poe finally found Ben. Ben, who was currently sitting by himself, talking at length with the bartender, a slim, black-haired woman currently juggling lemons -- Poe couldn't make out what they were saying, but Ben seemed to be pretty kriffing engaged in the conversation, Poe would say that much.
Ben turned to look at Poe in the moment. "Poe," he said. "Hi."
His voice already sounded slurred. Poe furrowed his brows. "Have you been drinking?"
"A little."
Like hell it's a little. "Ben...you've got quite a few cups."
"Like I said," Ben said. "A little." He hiccuped.
Poe turned towards the bartender. "I better get him home."
"Friend of his?"
"Husband. I've just been worried about him."
"Just...you take care of him. I have a feeling he needs it."
"I will." I always will.
So there was Poe, heading home, Ben's arm slung around his neck, even as Ben was rambling at what was possibly lightspeed about multiple different things -- Poe doubted he could really keep track of all of them. Finally, outside their house, he turned to Ben.
"You're not making sense," he said.
Ben shrugged. "Nothing about this makes any sense," he said. "Thought I could actually do something right but no, I never could. Thought I could be a good Jedi, but..." He sighed. "I guess I owe Casterfo one."
"Ben -- "
"I love you, you know. No, you don't know. And I treat you so badly and you deserve a better man than me -- "
"Ben, we've had our fights. It happens." Poe placed a hand on his shoulder. "It doesn't mean we don't love each other. We just have our bad patches, as everyone does -- "
"No, I treat you badly. I can understand...if y'leave. If you don't come back."
To think that Ben could even consider that...
"Ben," Poe said. "I'm never going to leave you. I promise. No matter what happens." Silence. "Now come on. Let's get inside."
It was once he actually got Ben to bed that Poe placed the blanket over Ben, tenderly all the while, and looked down at his sleeping face. He was really out now from the alcohol in his system. His hair, messy and lank earlier, now falling around his face. Half a smile was on his face now, and he lay there, still except for the rise and fall of his belly. And Poe looked at him, feeling a furious sort of tenderness in him. They hurt my love. They tried to break him. Poe didn't think he could hate someone he only knew from a holonet screen, but they insulted Senator Organa-Solo, they hurt Ben, and Poe couldn't think of how either idea was possible.
(Of course, Ben and his mom had hurt each other. That just made things more complicated)
He stroked Ben's hair, kissed his forehead lightly, before slipping into bed next to him. He fell asleep to dreams of standing before the Republic Senate, trying to defend Senator Organa-Solo as best he could, and finding himself stumbling.
***
Ben should have known that consuming the amounts of ale he did would come back to haunt him, but that was the thing. He'd needed to get as numb as he possibly could. He needed to get as drowned as he possibly could, but his emotions were too swollen, too uncontrollable, to do even that. That was probably why he was currently at the fresher, Poe by his side as he puked up the contents of his stomach into the fresher.
He was only amazed he hadn't done that earlier.
Poe's hands held his head even as Ben puked up just about everything he'd eaten, and for that matter, every bit of alcohol he'd drank. He hadn't expected there to be that much green in a person, but, he supposed, here it was. Here was Ben Solo, everyone, twenty-three and vomiting his guts out in the home he and Poe shared.
Finally, after what seemed like a long time, it ended. Poe gently let go of him, and Ben wiped his mouth, looking at the fresher, then Poe, in regret. "Poe...I'm sorry I ruined your fresher."
"Technically it's ours," Poe said. "And I've seen worse."
They both smiled despite themselves -- Ben knew, at least, that he was starting to feel a little bit better.
"You should get some water," Poe said. "All things considered...you scared the life out of me, Ben."
"I'm sorry."
"Just...why couldn't you come to me? I could have helped you."
"You didn't hear what Casterfo said," Ben said.
"Oh, kriff him." Poe began pacing around the room. "Ben...just kriff him. No, not that kind of kriff either. The other kind. The...he's-a-Huttspawn-and-he'll-always-be kind."
"I figured that." Ben's lips were twitching even as he walked towards the sink and drew the water. "I'm pretty monogamous anyway."
"Yeah, speaking of that...you thought I was going to leave you?"
Ben took a sip of the water. "I probably said a lot of things last night."
"Well, I'm not going to leave you, Ben."
"Why?"
Poe walked towards him. "Because I love you," he said. "I love you, Ben. Have we had our fights? Of course we have. But it doesn't change the fact that you're one of the best things that's happened to me."
"It's just..." Ben couldn't even figure out where to begin, actually. He was spoiled, he was selfish, he was tainted, he was disgusting, he was unclean, Poe deserved better than someone like him --
"You're Ben. The man I love. And no one can take that away from you, especially not Casterfo."
"Thank you." Silence. "So what do we do now?"
"Move forward," Poe said.
"But my heritage -- my grandfather...it just all makes sense, Poe; I never did fit in. I'm not the Jedi I'm supposed to be, I'm not...good enough."
"Yes, you are." Poe kissed Ben's cheek. "You've always been, and I'm going to tell you over and over again until you believe me."
"You're too good to me."
"Well, Casterfo's wrong, and I do love you an awful lot."
"I know." This time, Ben allowed himself a full smile. How he had gotten so lucky to find such a beautiful, loving, caring man, Ben supposed he'd never know. "I love you too."
***
The truth about Poe's love for Ben was the fact that at times it was something to behold (as was the love Ben was willing to give in return).
It was always one of those things that Poe wanted to practically scream to the skies at times. I love this man, I love him. He's so beautiful, so caring, so loving, so funny and kind. This man is my husband. I love him. If he could, he would scream it to the skies. Now, he watched as Ben lay there in his sleep shirt, peaceful, half a smile on those full lips, and he felt that sort of love, that feeling like his heart would burst, swell up in him like a wave.
I adore him. I adore him.
For now, he could watch Ben even as his breathing whispered through the room. Ben, his breathing steady, soft, gentle. His hair fanned around his face as he slept, his body so soft and warm.
Ben had been there for Poe when Poe needed him. Now, Poe could return the favor.
Poe opened up his datapad and began to type.
In defense of Senator Organa-Solo...
***
It was the next morning that Ben read the article, which was just beginning to have some hits come in, and he smiled. There was something about reading it over pancakes and eggs, while waiting for Poe to arrive, that made him smile -- every example of how his mother had done right, every example of how her son had done right as well. He hadn't expected, exactly, the idea of "doing right" and yet here he was.
Poe walked towards the table, still in his pajamas, clearly tired, and Ben felt a stab of affection. It was one of those things about Poe at times that was endearing -- at least, when Ben didn't have to worry about him.
"Morning," Ben said.
Poe muttered something unintelligible, and Ben couldn't help but grin. To think Poe went through all this, for him and his mother...it was enough to melt Ben all over again, make him love Poe even more.
"How are you feeling?" Ben said.
Poe gave him as wry a smile as one could give considering his sleep deprivation. "Never better."
Ben smiled back. "Up for some caf?"
"Could definitely use some, yeah." Poe yawned.
"I can make it for you."
"You don't have -- "
"You deserve it."
It was after the matter of making Poe his caf -- putting some blue milk in and some sugar, as neither one of them really took it without it -- and putting it in front of him that Ben said, "How late did you stay up writing this? All of it, actually?"
"A while." Poe yawned. "I mean, it took a while. It took all my restraint not to insult Casterfo. I mean, he hurt you."
"I'm all right now." Ben kissed the back of Poe's neck. "I'm better. I have you."
Poe checked his datapad. "We have a while before we go in."
Ben sighed. "Probably for the best. Tell you what, Poe...why don't we watch Coruscant Knights and have some breakfast?"
Poe grinned. "I'm up for it."
They sat together, occasionally feeding the other bits of egg and pancake even as the episode they'd left off on played in the background. And Ben knew that Poe was his stabilizer. Nothing this good, this lovely, could ever be called unstable. Nothing this beautiful could be forbidden by the Code.
And by the stars, when the war was over, that would just be one of the things that Ben would do for Poe, just to make him happy, just to make him feel so good. Just to take care of him every day, love him, heal every wound he had, and turn every scar into a kiss. To kiss away every battle. Wipe away his tears. Anything to make Poe as happy as he made Ben just by being there.
***
It was long after it was time to go in that they met at the roads that went up to the Academy and down to Black Squadron's meeting place, respectively -- or one of many meeting places. Poe could already sense how tense Ben really was, how wound tight, and he said, "You're worried about the Academy, aren't you?"
Ben nodded.
Poe reached up to touch Ben's face. Then, "They can't take anything away from you, any more than Casterfo could. You're a good person. You always have been. They can't deny that part of you no matter how hard they try."
"But..." And Poe could tell that Ben was already running every wound he had ever suffered through his head. Poe's heart already ached for him and he longed to kiss those wounds away, to soothe them. It was unfair that Ben had had to go through what he did. That anyone would have to, actually.
"You're a good person. I know you. I love you."
Silence. When Ben spoke, it was quiet. Gentle. "I love you too."
Silence.
"I better go in," Ben said. "I've put this off long enough."
Poe leaned up and kissed him, long and lingering and tender. Ben's lips always tasted so sweet, so full, so soft. They were almost addicting to kiss, just about always. Poe doubted he could kiss and hold and simply love his husband enough.
Eventually, Poe broke the kiss. Then, "If you have any issues, love, run to me. You always know where to find me."
Ben nodded. "And if anyone starts in on you..."
"I'll be okay, Ben," Poe said. "Don't worry."
***
The problem with heading into the Academy was that it felt a lot like your own secrets stood out all over you. Even as the whispers followed him in, Ben managed to at least keep his cool, ignore them, say hello to Annie and Mike, even crack a few jokes. It was when Master Naris started in on him that Ben's tenuous self-control started to crack.
"I knew it. I knew it all along." Master Naris sounded positively proud of himself. "I knew the moment you were dumped on our doorstep that you would bring us all the grief we could stand and more. The other Masters refused to acknowledge it, but I saw you for who you really were: a spoiled, selfish little freak."
There is no emotion, there is peace. That was the first line of the Code. And yet Ben wouldn't deny that even as he tried to ignore Master Naris, it felt like even that was too much effort.
Master Naris continued. "The moment you arrived on our doorstep, you have done nothing but cause trouble. You likely fancy yourself to be above the rest of us, better than the rest of us, but you're not, are you? You're not particularly talented, not particularly gifted -- your best talent is having too much of the Dark Side in you. Defying the Code, running off with a Force-stealing pilot -- "
"Poe is twelve times the man that you'll ever be."
Ben couldn't say that he recognized his own voice. It sounded colder, angrier. More...in control? And yet Ben knew he was the opposite of in control.
Master Naris sputtered. "You impertinent -- "
"You're not special either. Other beings may be scared of you, but they don't respect you. Nobody respects you. And I bet fifty credits they don't like you either," Ben said. "You're not particularly charismatic, you're not particularly powerful, you have a considerable talent for making others miserable and being a bully, but that's about it. You're a sad man, you're nothing, and I think when you're trying to get to sleep at night, you know it too."
"How dare you -- "
"I call them as I see them, Master Naris. And I think you've wasted my time enough."
Ben turned around and headed towards the training center. Behind him, he could hear others whispering in excitement, in shock, in astonishment, in fear...a whole maelstrom of things. He didn't know how he was going to cope with this later, but he knew that for the moment...it felt good.
***
It was later, when he was safe with Poe that he felt the weight of what he had said crash down on him. It wasn't the worst thing he had said by far, but he could have been better than this. Even talking about it with Poe, he couldn't help but feel a residual twinge of guilt.
Was what he said right? He didn't regret standing up for Poe, and yet...
"I shouldn't have let him get to me." I'm a Jedi, after all. I'm better than this. Or were Haranka and others right, and he was no true Jedi? An imposter, a phony? Being Vader's grandson did add to that idea...
"Actually, Ben," Poe said, "Just judging from what you told me about him, I don't blame you. Harsh without a doubt, but I don't blame you." A smile. "You just don't have to defend my honor next time, okay?"
***
Ren always came back around to where it was supposed to be, because sooner or later, you got back around to your original purpose. Snoke had been planning to bring Ben here for quite some time. After all, Ben was strong in both sides of the Force. Gifted, definitely more gifted than he was allowed to express. And it had taken a while to get Ben to where he wanted him, longer than it should have, actually, but here he was.
And Snoke told him. Once upon a time, there was a boy who grew up on a planet that was at war. This is that boy's tale, Ben Solo -- this is how he was, this is how he was abused in the orphanage, how he was ignored when he tried to get justice for his homeplanet including others who were abused, this is how he went back to Milara, the homeplanet that no one else would defend, neither the Republic nor the Jedi Order, this is how he went as far as he could go in the service of his homeplanet to the point of being accused of falling to the Dark Side. This is how he was ultimately betrayed by one he considered like kin simply because said betrayer thought he had fallen.
And yes, Ben, that boy, that man -- he's sitting before you. Yes, Ben, Snoke is only a title. An abbreviation of the actual word, which human tongues could never pronounce. Yes, my real name is disgusting, repulsive, and it deserves to remain buried.
He did not say that his real name was Aldric. He doubted he ever could use that name. That repulsive name that reminded him of repulsive times. Ben did not need to know that.
Silence. Then Ben spoke. "I'm sorry," he said. "What happened to Milara was wrong. The Council should have been there."
"I doubt Milara is the first, unfortunately. And for that you are right. The Council's justifications for not getting involved are appalling."
"What if you didn't have to take the path you were on anymore?"
Silence. Snoke could not say, honestly, that he had been offered such a thing in quite some time. Treatment. Compassion. But there was no saving him. Ren had set him on this path a long time ago. Ren had destined him to take this hard path. It was not fair and it was not kind, but that was how it was.
"Ben," Snoke said, "My path is already set in stone. Ren set my path -- "
"Forget about ren." And this boy, this thoroughly impossible boy, sounded so earnest that Snoke almost wanted to believe him. "What about what you want?"
Silence.
"I want balance to the Force. Safety for Milara. And while the Jedi exist, Ben, I can have neither."
"You don't know -- "
"Haven't I told you that they cared nothing for Milara, Ben? Garbage gets more acknowledgment."
And for the first time in a long while, Snoke's voice did not only tremble in rage, but in pain.
He had not expected it. To be Dark Side was not to be vulnerable, not to be afraid. Not to show pain. But he had that pain, still. The voice of Aldric of Milara, who begged and pleaded with the Council to take action, to have compassion, to understand...
"We can," Ben said. "But please. Call off this war. Make it end."
"That was my plan anyway, Ben. The war was just the means to an end. A messy one, but a necessary one."
"It doesn't have to be anymore. Think of what you could do, if you came back. You don't even have to come back. Just stop this."
Ben held out his hand.
Snoke, after a long while, took it and grasped it.
Summary: The night that Casterfo reveals the truth about Ben's heritage, things take a wildly different turn.
Prompt: Fix-It
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
Author's Notes: So, jumping ahead to when Ben's twenty-three and Casterfo decides to Ruin Everything by revealing Leia's parentage. This is probably the only part of this 'verse that is Bloodline compliant. I was wondering how to come up with certain stuff especially considering quite a bit of this was written pre-Bloodline (TBE was in development for a while), so...yeah. Not everything is Bloodline compliant. Also, you can thank one of James Scott Bell's writing books for the bartender's description.
But yeah, warnings in the story for alcohol abuse and later brief mentions of child abuse. And spoilers for Bloodline re: Casterfo being a jerk.
The bar was packed the moment that Poe Dameron came in to find his husband.
To say that the whole scene was a mess was putting it mildly. The patrons practically stank of alcohol and all sorts of stuff that Poe didn't even want to know existed, there was a heavy isotope song playing about lost starships, and oh yeah, there was no sign of Ben.
It was after practically wading through crowds of patrons that Poe finally found Ben. Ben, who was currently sitting by himself, talking at length with the bartender, a slim, black-haired woman currently juggling lemons -- Poe couldn't make out what they were saying, but Ben seemed to be pretty kriffing engaged in the conversation, Poe would say that much.
Ben turned to look at Poe in the moment. "Poe," he said. "Hi."
His voice already sounded slurred. Poe furrowed his brows. "Have you been drinking?"
"A little."
Like hell it's a little. "Ben...you've got quite a few cups."
"Like I said," Ben said. "A little." He hiccuped.
Poe turned towards the bartender. "I better get him home."
"Friend of his?"
"Husband. I've just been worried about him."
"Just...you take care of him. I have a feeling he needs it."
"I will." I always will.
So there was Poe, heading home, Ben's arm slung around his neck, even as Ben was rambling at what was possibly lightspeed about multiple different things -- Poe doubted he could really keep track of all of them. Finally, outside their house, he turned to Ben.
"You're not making sense," he said.
Ben shrugged. "Nothing about this makes any sense," he said. "Thought I could actually do something right but no, I never could. Thought I could be a good Jedi, but..." He sighed. "I guess I owe Casterfo one."
"Ben -- "
"I love you, you know. No, you don't know. And I treat you so badly and you deserve a better man than me -- "
"Ben, we've had our fights. It happens." Poe placed a hand on his shoulder. "It doesn't mean we don't love each other. We just have our bad patches, as everyone does -- "
"No, I treat you badly. I can understand...if y'leave. If you don't come back."
To think that Ben could even consider that...
"Ben," Poe said. "I'm never going to leave you. I promise. No matter what happens." Silence. "Now come on. Let's get inside."
It was once he actually got Ben to bed that Poe placed the blanket over Ben, tenderly all the while, and looked down at his sleeping face. He was really out now from the alcohol in his system. His hair, messy and lank earlier, now falling around his face. Half a smile was on his face now, and he lay there, still except for the rise and fall of his belly. And Poe looked at him, feeling a furious sort of tenderness in him. They hurt my love. They tried to break him. Poe didn't think he could hate someone he only knew from a holonet screen, but they insulted Senator Organa-Solo, they hurt Ben, and Poe couldn't think of how either idea was possible.
(Of course, Ben and his mom had hurt each other. That just made things more complicated)
He stroked Ben's hair, kissed his forehead lightly, before slipping into bed next to him. He fell asleep to dreams of standing before the Republic Senate, trying to defend Senator Organa-Solo as best he could, and finding himself stumbling.
***
Ben should have known that consuming the amounts of ale he did would come back to haunt him, but that was the thing. He'd needed to get as numb as he possibly could. He needed to get as drowned as he possibly could, but his emotions were too swollen, too uncontrollable, to do even that. That was probably why he was currently at the fresher, Poe by his side as he puked up the contents of his stomach into the fresher.
He was only amazed he hadn't done that earlier.
Poe's hands held his head even as Ben puked up just about everything he'd eaten, and for that matter, every bit of alcohol he'd drank. He hadn't expected there to be that much green in a person, but, he supposed, here it was. Here was Ben Solo, everyone, twenty-three and vomiting his guts out in the home he and Poe shared.
Finally, after what seemed like a long time, it ended. Poe gently let go of him, and Ben wiped his mouth, looking at the fresher, then Poe, in regret. "Poe...I'm sorry I ruined your fresher."
"Technically it's ours," Poe said. "And I've seen worse."
They both smiled despite themselves -- Ben knew, at least, that he was starting to feel a little bit better.
"You should get some water," Poe said. "All things considered...you scared the life out of me, Ben."
"I'm sorry."
"Just...why couldn't you come to me? I could have helped you."
"You didn't hear what Casterfo said," Ben said.
"Oh, kriff him." Poe began pacing around the room. "Ben...just kriff him. No, not that kind of kriff either. The other kind. The...he's-a-Huttspawn-and-he'll-always-be kind."
"I figured that." Ben's lips were twitching even as he walked towards the sink and drew the water. "I'm pretty monogamous anyway."
"Yeah, speaking of that...you thought I was going to leave you?"
Ben took a sip of the water. "I probably said a lot of things last night."
"Well, I'm not going to leave you, Ben."
"Why?"
Poe walked towards him. "Because I love you," he said. "I love you, Ben. Have we had our fights? Of course we have. But it doesn't change the fact that you're one of the best things that's happened to me."
"It's just..." Ben couldn't even figure out where to begin, actually. He was spoiled, he was selfish, he was tainted, he was disgusting, he was unclean, Poe deserved better than someone like him --
"You're Ben. The man I love. And no one can take that away from you, especially not Casterfo."
"Thank you." Silence. "So what do we do now?"
"Move forward," Poe said.
"But my heritage -- my grandfather...it just all makes sense, Poe; I never did fit in. I'm not the Jedi I'm supposed to be, I'm not...good enough."
"Yes, you are." Poe kissed Ben's cheek. "You've always been, and I'm going to tell you over and over again until you believe me."
"You're too good to me."
"Well, Casterfo's wrong, and I do love you an awful lot."
"I know." This time, Ben allowed himself a full smile. How he had gotten so lucky to find such a beautiful, loving, caring man, Ben supposed he'd never know. "I love you too."
***
The truth about Poe's love for Ben was the fact that at times it was something to behold (as was the love Ben was willing to give in return).
It was always one of those things that Poe wanted to practically scream to the skies at times. I love this man, I love him. He's so beautiful, so caring, so loving, so funny and kind. This man is my husband. I love him. If he could, he would scream it to the skies. Now, he watched as Ben lay there in his sleep shirt, peaceful, half a smile on those full lips, and he felt that sort of love, that feeling like his heart would burst, swell up in him like a wave.
I adore him. I adore him.
For now, he could watch Ben even as his breathing whispered through the room. Ben, his breathing steady, soft, gentle. His hair fanned around his face as he slept, his body so soft and warm.
Ben had been there for Poe when Poe needed him. Now, Poe could return the favor.
Poe opened up his datapad and began to type.
In defense of Senator Organa-Solo...
***
It was the next morning that Ben read the article, which was just beginning to have some hits come in, and he smiled. There was something about reading it over pancakes and eggs, while waiting for Poe to arrive, that made him smile -- every example of how his mother had done right, every example of how her son had done right as well. He hadn't expected, exactly, the idea of "doing right" and yet here he was.
Poe walked towards the table, still in his pajamas, clearly tired, and Ben felt a stab of affection. It was one of those things about Poe at times that was endearing -- at least, when Ben didn't have to worry about him.
"Morning," Ben said.
Poe muttered something unintelligible, and Ben couldn't help but grin. To think Poe went through all this, for him and his mother...it was enough to melt Ben all over again, make him love Poe even more.
"How are you feeling?" Ben said.
Poe gave him as wry a smile as one could give considering his sleep deprivation. "Never better."
Ben smiled back. "Up for some caf?"
"Could definitely use some, yeah." Poe yawned.
"I can make it for you."
"You don't have -- "
"You deserve it."
It was after the matter of making Poe his caf -- putting some blue milk in and some sugar, as neither one of them really took it without it -- and putting it in front of him that Ben said, "How late did you stay up writing this? All of it, actually?"
"A while." Poe yawned. "I mean, it took a while. It took all my restraint not to insult Casterfo. I mean, he hurt you."
"I'm all right now." Ben kissed the back of Poe's neck. "I'm better. I have you."
Poe checked his datapad. "We have a while before we go in."
Ben sighed. "Probably for the best. Tell you what, Poe...why don't we watch Coruscant Knights and have some breakfast?"
Poe grinned. "I'm up for it."
They sat together, occasionally feeding the other bits of egg and pancake even as the episode they'd left off on played in the background. And Ben knew that Poe was his stabilizer. Nothing this good, this lovely, could ever be called unstable. Nothing this beautiful could be forbidden by the Code.
And by the stars, when the war was over, that would just be one of the things that Ben would do for Poe, just to make him happy, just to make him feel so good. Just to take care of him every day, love him, heal every wound he had, and turn every scar into a kiss. To kiss away every battle. Wipe away his tears. Anything to make Poe as happy as he made Ben just by being there.
***
It was long after it was time to go in that they met at the roads that went up to the Academy and down to Black Squadron's meeting place, respectively -- or one of many meeting places. Poe could already sense how tense Ben really was, how wound tight, and he said, "You're worried about the Academy, aren't you?"
Ben nodded.
Poe reached up to touch Ben's face. Then, "They can't take anything away from you, any more than Casterfo could. You're a good person. You always have been. They can't deny that part of you no matter how hard they try."
"But..." And Poe could tell that Ben was already running every wound he had ever suffered through his head. Poe's heart already ached for him and he longed to kiss those wounds away, to soothe them. It was unfair that Ben had had to go through what he did. That anyone would have to, actually.
"You're a good person. I know you. I love you."
Silence. When Ben spoke, it was quiet. Gentle. "I love you too."
Silence.
"I better go in," Ben said. "I've put this off long enough."
Poe leaned up and kissed him, long and lingering and tender. Ben's lips always tasted so sweet, so full, so soft. They were almost addicting to kiss, just about always. Poe doubted he could kiss and hold and simply love his husband enough.
Eventually, Poe broke the kiss. Then, "If you have any issues, love, run to me. You always know where to find me."
Ben nodded. "And if anyone starts in on you..."
"I'll be okay, Ben," Poe said. "Don't worry."
***
The problem with heading into the Academy was that it felt a lot like your own secrets stood out all over you. Even as the whispers followed him in, Ben managed to at least keep his cool, ignore them, say hello to Annie and Mike, even crack a few jokes. It was when Master Naris started in on him that Ben's tenuous self-control started to crack.
"I knew it. I knew it all along." Master Naris sounded positively proud of himself. "I knew the moment you were dumped on our doorstep that you would bring us all the grief we could stand and more. The other Masters refused to acknowledge it, but I saw you for who you really were: a spoiled, selfish little freak."
There is no emotion, there is peace. That was the first line of the Code. And yet Ben wouldn't deny that even as he tried to ignore Master Naris, it felt like even that was too much effort.
Master Naris continued. "The moment you arrived on our doorstep, you have done nothing but cause trouble. You likely fancy yourself to be above the rest of us, better than the rest of us, but you're not, are you? You're not particularly talented, not particularly gifted -- your best talent is having too much of the Dark Side in you. Defying the Code, running off with a Force-stealing pilot -- "
"Poe is twelve times the man that you'll ever be."
Ben couldn't say that he recognized his own voice. It sounded colder, angrier. More...in control? And yet Ben knew he was the opposite of in control.
Master Naris sputtered. "You impertinent -- "
"You're not special either. Other beings may be scared of you, but they don't respect you. Nobody respects you. And I bet fifty credits they don't like you either," Ben said. "You're not particularly charismatic, you're not particularly powerful, you have a considerable talent for making others miserable and being a bully, but that's about it. You're a sad man, you're nothing, and I think when you're trying to get to sleep at night, you know it too."
"How dare you -- "
"I call them as I see them, Master Naris. And I think you've wasted my time enough."
Ben turned around and headed towards the training center. Behind him, he could hear others whispering in excitement, in shock, in astonishment, in fear...a whole maelstrom of things. He didn't know how he was going to cope with this later, but he knew that for the moment...it felt good.
***
It was later, when he was safe with Poe that he felt the weight of what he had said crash down on him. It wasn't the worst thing he had said by far, but he could have been better than this. Even talking about it with Poe, he couldn't help but feel a residual twinge of guilt.
Was what he said right? He didn't regret standing up for Poe, and yet...
"I shouldn't have let him get to me." I'm a Jedi, after all. I'm better than this. Or were Haranka and others right, and he was no true Jedi? An imposter, a phony? Being Vader's grandson did add to that idea...
"Actually, Ben," Poe said, "Just judging from what you told me about him, I don't blame you. Harsh without a doubt, but I don't blame you." A smile. "You just don't have to defend my honor next time, okay?"
***
Ren always came back around to where it was supposed to be, because sooner or later, you got back around to your original purpose. Snoke had been planning to bring Ben here for quite some time. After all, Ben was strong in both sides of the Force. Gifted, definitely more gifted than he was allowed to express. And it had taken a while to get Ben to where he wanted him, longer than it should have, actually, but here he was.
And Snoke told him. Once upon a time, there was a boy who grew up on a planet that was at war. This is that boy's tale, Ben Solo -- this is how he was, this is how he was abused in the orphanage, how he was ignored when he tried to get justice for his homeplanet including others who were abused, this is how he went back to Milara, the homeplanet that no one else would defend, neither the Republic nor the Jedi Order, this is how he went as far as he could go in the service of his homeplanet to the point of being accused of falling to the Dark Side. This is how he was ultimately betrayed by one he considered like kin simply because said betrayer thought he had fallen.
And yes, Ben, that boy, that man -- he's sitting before you. Yes, Ben, Snoke is only a title. An abbreviation of the actual word, which human tongues could never pronounce. Yes, my real name is disgusting, repulsive, and it deserves to remain buried.
He did not say that his real name was Aldric. He doubted he ever could use that name. That repulsive name that reminded him of repulsive times. Ben did not need to know that.
Silence. Then Ben spoke. "I'm sorry," he said. "What happened to Milara was wrong. The Council should have been there."
"I doubt Milara is the first, unfortunately. And for that you are right. The Council's justifications for not getting involved are appalling."
"What if you didn't have to take the path you were on anymore?"
Silence. Snoke could not say, honestly, that he had been offered such a thing in quite some time. Treatment. Compassion. But there was no saving him. Ren had set him on this path a long time ago. Ren had destined him to take this hard path. It was not fair and it was not kind, but that was how it was.
"Ben," Snoke said, "My path is already set in stone. Ren set my path -- "
"Forget about ren." And this boy, this thoroughly impossible boy, sounded so earnest that Snoke almost wanted to believe him. "What about what you want?"
Silence.
"I want balance to the Force. Safety for Milara. And while the Jedi exist, Ben, I can have neither."
"You don't know -- "
"Haven't I told you that they cared nothing for Milara, Ben? Garbage gets more acknowledgment."
And for the first time in a long while, Snoke's voice did not only tremble in rage, but in pain.
He had not expected it. To be Dark Side was not to be vulnerable, not to be afraid. Not to show pain. But he had that pain, still. The voice of Aldric of Milara, who begged and pleaded with the Council to take action, to have compassion, to understand...
"We can," Ben said. "But please. Call off this war. Make it end."
"That was my plan anyway, Ben. The war was just the means to an end. A messy one, but a necessary one."
"It doesn't have to be anymore. Think of what you could do, if you came back. You don't even have to come back. Just stop this."
Ben held out his hand.
Snoke, after a long while, took it and grasped it.
