ladyofleithian | Chapter 30: Small Talks

In which Ben and Poe have their own share of guilt.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Author's Notes: Hope I got Poe down well in this chapter. I've always struggled a bit with his voice, so I hope I didn't get him OOC.

Even heading back to the ship, there was very little comfort. It seemed that even getting inside, reading over some of the stuff that Annie and Thomas had collected, including a note in Milaran, Ben’s thoughts couldn’t help but drift back towards the building, and what he had seen going through there.

Vader. The strange figure in the triangular mask. The chrome stormtrooper.

He didn’t tell Annie about them. It was one of those things that he doubted that he could properly put into words. But she could sense it.

“Ben...you look terrible.”

Ben looked up at her. “I do, huh?”

“Yeah. You’ve been looking like that ever since you got out of the building. Are you all right?”

Ben took a deep breath. “Yeah,” he said. He wasn’t all right, but telling Annie about the vision...

“You’ve got this feeling to you. Like you ran into something nasty. Are you sure you’re all right, Ben?”

“I am. Really.” And yet he couldn’t tell her. He couldn’t tell her about the strange man in the triangular mask -- the man with his face. He would never dream of hurting anyone.

Usually when one had those visions, it usually meant that sometime in their future, it would come true. Even Uncle Luke saying “the future’s always in motion” was hardly a comfort. There would be some truth in there, wouldn’t there, about what he was going through. What he was about to go through. What would happen to him.

And hoping you wouldn’t become a murderer wasn’t really enough to stop something like that, was it? After all, there was still the fury there inside him, the fury that seemed to plague him, always. If he was doomed to become a monster, if -- if --

Ben sighed. Would he ever figure this out? Would there ever be a way to move beyond Ben Solo, Human Minefield? Would it ever help?

It was after another nightmare on the way home about the man in the triangular mask that Ben realized something. He had to find Poe. He had to contact him.

It was back in his room that he dialed Poe’s terminal. It took a while, including Poe nearly tripping over something left on the floor, before Poe got to him.

Still, Poe didn’t seem tired this time. In fact, he seemed the opposite of tired, actually. It was as if he were too tense, too anxious to sleep. There was something about the bruise-like shadows under Poe’s eyes that was enough to make Ben wish that there was some way to comfort him.

“Hey, Ben.” Still that smile, still that sort of lightening that suggested that he was always happy to see Ben. And Ben, despite himself, couldn’t help but smile back.

“Hey,” he said.

“You look like you’ve gone through some stuff.”

“Rough trip to Milara,” Ben said.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Poe’s eyes were so soft in that moment, so very gentle, and Ben found himself talking. Talking about what they found on Milara. And yet he couldn’t quite bring himself to talk about the matter of the building, the shadows he had found there. And Poe seemed to feel it too, even as he trailed off, feeling as if the words he was about to say had suddenly evaporated.

“Ben...” Poe’s voice was gentle, kind. “You don’t have to talk about this anymore if you don’t want to.”

“I...I do.” Ben looked at him earnestly. “Poe...do you think I’m a bad person?”

“No.” Poe sounded surprised, actually. “Of course not. You’re a great person, a fantastic person. How could you say that?”

“I...” Ben trailed off. How did he explain the Force visions to Poe? How would he know that Poe wouldn’t be so disgusted with him knowing his friend was about to likely do the sorts of things that monsters did?

There was no explanation he could find. Not really. Explanations seemed to elude him.

Poe continued. “I think you’re a good person. You really are.”

“Thanks, Poe.”

“It’s the truth.”

The truth. Would Poe still think that about me if I were a monster? If I were the monster the Force showed me to be?

Am I doomed to be a monster? This can’t be it, can it?

Instead, Ben smiled. “I hope so.”

There was silence between them for a long time before Ben spoke again. “Poe...are you okay? I mean, you don’t look too good.”

“I couldn’t sleep.”

“Why not?”

Poe’s eyes looked distant just then. “I’ve...killed people, Ben. On my missions. I didn’t tell you everything in my letters but I killed them.”

Ben wished that there was anything he could do to comfort Poe, anything at all. Anything he could do to just reach through the comm screen and hug him, anything like that. Anything to just take away the haunted look in Poe’s eyes.

“You did battle,” he said.

“I know,” Poe said. “But still...there could have been better ways. I can’t sleep, Ben. I see their faces and I’m just thinking, this isn’t what Republic soldiers do, is it? All this...” He ran a hand through his hair.

Not for the first time, Ben hated the commscreen between the both of them.

“Poe...” he said, softly. “You’re a good person, you really are. I know you wouldn't have done the things you did if you didn’t think it was necessary.”

“I just wish there was another way.” Poe sighed. “If the war was over...”

“It will be, Poe,” Ben said. “It will be.”

And he could only hope that he was right.