For allbingo
Jan. 10th, 2022 03:08 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyofleithianTitle: I May Be Falling In Love With You
Summary: Ben realizes the depth of his feelings for Poe.
Prompt: gay
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
When Ben had first been growing up, he had found it easy to brush off his adoration for Poe as simply wanting to be him as well as wanting to protect him and make him happy.
It was easy to brush it off as that, especially because of their close bond. It wasn’t until Ben started getting older that Poe started to get to him in other ways. In good ways, though. Definitely good ways.
***
Of course, growing up in a Jedi Temple, it was safe to say that Ben was sheltered. Incredibly so. After all, the Jedi Temple as of late was at least trying to do better in terms of addressing sex and sexuality, as well as relationships (Luke had promised on multiple fronts to do better, after all), but he still had his flaws. That was the best way to put Ben’s upbringing. Flawed. There weren’t really words for certain orientations, not really, as the whole idea of sexuality wasn’t as big a deal as other aspects (though Ben couldn’t say that that was any better).
Of course, he had his share of stories on the Holonet, and despite himself, Ben couldn’t help but go back to some of the stories with the more same-sex relationships. Something about them, he thought, felt right to him. Even as he looked over a story about a male Jedi and male Sith who developed a secret relationship (not that that could ever happen in this reality), he couldn’t help but feel himself being drawn into the story. Not just because of the writing either.
***
It only got more intense, he thought, on the days he was able to communicate with Poe over the comm. Despite everything, Poe managed to find a system that worked in between some of his Kijimi missions.
There was something about Poe — he had always been the more sophisticated of the two, the cooler one, when they were younglings, but it only sank in further for Ben as to how beautiful he was. And here was Ben, the awkward one, the one who could never be anywhere close to what Poe was.
"Ben!” The way that Poe looked at him, smiled at him — there was something about it where Ben doubted he could get enough of that smile. It had gotten to him more than once, he thought, on their holocalls. Even as a youngling, there had been something about Poe’s cheer that had captivated him more than anything. He was, plain and simply…he was beautiful.
(Ben sometimes wondered if he saw himself and Poe in that secret relationship story he read, seeing himself more than anything on the monster side of the equation. It fit, for the boy who had voices in his head, didn’t it?)
Even as they talked, Ben couldn’t help but be drawn to the way Poe’s hair framed his face, curly and soft, gentle. The way even his eyes smiled. The way he seemed, just for a brief moment, happy. Perhaps it was distance. Perhaps it was the fact that Ben had to live with a burning affection for a young man who would never see him the same way. Who already had a girlfriend, at least. Ben knew she was incredibly lucky, whoever she was.
“I hope you’re all right,” Ben said.
Poe nodded. Somehow, Ben thought, it felt more like he was trying to reassure both Ben and himself. Was he? Ben didn’t know.
“I am,” Poe said. “I hope you are too. Just…tell me about the Academy. Tell me anything.”
***
Ben told him as many details as he could. Told him about what Voe, Tai and Hennix were up to. He took in Poe’s laughs at the more amusing parts, including how Uncle Luke had effortlessly curbstomped the Knights of Ren.
(Ben didn’t tell Poe how their leader had unmasked, and how he had seen not a monster, but another reminder that Ben Solo could be more than he was. Handsome, but definitely more…confident. Ben envied his confidence, all he could never be)
(He didn’t want Poe to somehow think less of him. He couldn’t bear that)
“I wish I’d seen that,” Poe said lightly.
“You could come home,” Ben said, gently. Then, “Poe, I’m sorry. Don’t look so sad…”
“No, I’m fine,” Poe said. “Really. It’s just…I don’t think Dad would ever accept me back.”
"I think he would."
I would, Ben thought. I’d accept you, without restraint. Because you’re a good person, even if you don’t see it.
***
Poe had to go of course, and Ben was left with the realization that Poe had found his way into his heart. It was like on top of everything else, Ben had to live with a devotion towards a man who would never see him as anything other than that friend from childhood. And yet, Ben doubted he could imagine a reality where he and Poe had never crossed paths.
“Come home,” he said, to the empty room of his hut, at least before sitting safely on his bed, keeping Poe’s image in his thoughts.
Summary: Ben realizes the depth of his feelings for Poe.
Prompt: gay
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
When Ben had first been growing up, he had found it easy to brush off his adoration for Poe as simply wanting to be him as well as wanting to protect him and make him happy.
It was easy to brush it off as that, especially because of their close bond. It wasn’t until Ben started getting older that Poe started to get to him in other ways. In good ways, though. Definitely good ways.
***
Of course, growing up in a Jedi Temple, it was safe to say that Ben was sheltered. Incredibly so. After all, the Jedi Temple as of late was at least trying to do better in terms of addressing sex and sexuality, as well as relationships (Luke had promised on multiple fronts to do better, after all), but he still had his flaws. That was the best way to put Ben’s upbringing. Flawed. There weren’t really words for certain orientations, not really, as the whole idea of sexuality wasn’t as big a deal as other aspects (though Ben couldn’t say that that was any better).
Of course, he had his share of stories on the Holonet, and despite himself, Ben couldn’t help but go back to some of the stories with the more same-sex relationships. Something about them, he thought, felt right to him. Even as he looked over a story about a male Jedi and male Sith who developed a secret relationship (not that that could ever happen in this reality), he couldn’t help but feel himself being drawn into the story. Not just because of the writing either.
***
It only got more intense, he thought, on the days he was able to communicate with Poe over the comm. Despite everything, Poe managed to find a system that worked in between some of his Kijimi missions.
There was something about Poe — he had always been the more sophisticated of the two, the cooler one, when they were younglings, but it only sank in further for Ben as to how beautiful he was. And here was Ben, the awkward one, the one who could never be anywhere close to what Poe was.
"Ben!” The way that Poe looked at him, smiled at him — there was something about it where Ben doubted he could get enough of that smile. It had gotten to him more than once, he thought, on their holocalls. Even as a youngling, there had been something about Poe’s cheer that had captivated him more than anything. He was, plain and simply…he was beautiful.
(Ben sometimes wondered if he saw himself and Poe in that secret relationship story he read, seeing himself more than anything on the monster side of the equation. It fit, for the boy who had voices in his head, didn’t it?)
Even as they talked, Ben couldn’t help but be drawn to the way Poe’s hair framed his face, curly and soft, gentle. The way even his eyes smiled. The way he seemed, just for a brief moment, happy. Perhaps it was distance. Perhaps it was the fact that Ben had to live with a burning affection for a young man who would never see him the same way. Who already had a girlfriend, at least. Ben knew she was incredibly lucky, whoever she was.
“I hope you’re all right,” Ben said.
Poe nodded. Somehow, Ben thought, it felt more like he was trying to reassure both Ben and himself. Was he? Ben didn’t know.
“I am,” Poe said. “I hope you are too. Just…tell me about the Academy. Tell me anything.”
***
Ben told him as many details as he could. Told him about what Voe, Tai and Hennix were up to. He took in Poe’s laughs at the more amusing parts, including how Uncle Luke had effortlessly curbstomped the Knights of Ren.
(Ben didn’t tell Poe how their leader had unmasked, and how he had seen not a monster, but another reminder that Ben Solo could be more than he was. Handsome, but definitely more…confident. Ben envied his confidence, all he could never be)
(He didn’t want Poe to somehow think less of him. He couldn’t bear that)
“I wish I’d seen that,” Poe said lightly.
“You could come home,” Ben said, gently. Then, “Poe, I’m sorry. Don’t look so sad…”
“No, I’m fine,” Poe said. “Really. It’s just…I don’t think Dad would ever accept me back.”
"I think he would."
I would, Ben thought. I’d accept you, without restraint. Because you’re a good person, even if you don’t see it.
***
Poe had to go of course, and Ben was left with the realization that Poe had found his way into his heart. It was like on top of everything else, Ben had to live with a devotion towards a man who would never see him as anything other than that friend from childhood. And yet, Ben doubted he could imagine a reality where he and Poe had never crossed paths.
“Come home,” he said, to the empty room of his hut, at least before sitting safely on his bed, keeping Poe’s image in his thoughts.
