ladyofleithian | For whole_new

Title: Broken

Summary: An amnesiac Poe joins Finn and Rey on their quest.

Prompt: Memory Loss

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

When Poe Dameron wakes up in the deserts of Jakku, he has no idea who he is. He's grateful for the man who pulled him from the wreckage of the fighter, a dark-skinned man in stormtrooper armor with a face like a holo star's. The man who is nothing but patient with him even as he tries to puzzle out how he got there. He knows that he somehow stole a TIE fighter -- which is really something -- he knows that his name is Poe Dameron, and that he's with the Resistance.

Yeah. That's what he knows. That's something. Something to go on. Something is better than nothing.

They find the scavenger girl when they see her fighting off thugs trying to steal a droid -- BB-8, the unit says his name is later. He was apparently Poe's droid.

Either way, that girl has definitely helped them out. Saved their droid. Poe supposes that he could like both of them, the stormtrooper and the girl from Jakku. Let them both in.

***

They end up fleeing the First Order in the Falcon, thanks to some copiloting from the girl. It's once they're out of danger that they're comfortable enough to reveal their names. Finn, the stormtrooper's name is. Rey, the girl's name is, though Poe can't shake the feeling of her being so damn familiar.

"Poe." he says. "My name's Poe Dameron."

That is his name, isn't it? Names feel so unreal right now. So odd. But yes, he supposes. That is his name.

***

It's after the chaos of Jakku as well as the Guavian Death Gang and Kanjiklub that Poe has some strange dreams. They're not unpleasant dreams, not really, but they're odd in the sense that he could swear that they're not dreams, but more missing pieces. In his dream, he sees a man's face, bright and radiant with happiness, terribly beautiful, laughing. The same man, tenderly touching Poe's face and calling him beautiful.

The same man, making promises on Yavin, promises that Poe knows now he can't keep.

When Poe wakes up, he's weeping openly. He's grateful that Rey and Finn are asleep, because he doesn't think he can let them see him like this. He doubts he could describe it to them, only the feeling like his heart's broken and he doesn't know why.

***

It's on Takodana that Kylo Ren finds him.

He's out searching for Rey, who's run off, when he sees a ship in the sky that he recognizes too well. A shuttle, to be more precise. And he remembers.

-- the shuttle, coasting out of the sky in the midst of the chaos of the stormtroopers taking over the village --

This is Kylo Ren's shuttle. This is the ship he was taken away on.

They manage to get BB-8 to safety, at least. If he's captured, it's the end of the line for all of them. Poe knows as much.

When Kylo Ren comes out of the shadows, both Poe and Rey shoot at him, but Kylo deflects their bolts too easily.

-- shooting at Kylo Ren after he's killed an old man, sliced him down callously, only for Ren to freeze the blaster bolt without much effort, and freeze Poe as well --

He freezes Poe, and Rey, and begins to circle the both of them. "The girl I've heard so much about," he says. "And Poe Dameron. You've caused me to no end of trouble."

Poe's frozen. He can only watch even as Kylo Ren draws a lightsaber on Rey, even as it crackles.

"The droid," he says. "Where is it?"

Leave her alone, Poe wants to say, but he's effectively frozen.

Ren advances on Poe in that moment, looking like he's about to do something --

-- a hand, reaching towards Poe as if pulling out and claiming his darkest secrets, pulling and reaching and probing, rustling through his thoughts like they're nothing at all --

-- only to stop, hesitate. Why is he hesitating? What does it matter? What is he doing?

Then Ren waves a hand, and everything goes black.

***

When Poe wakes again, he's in the same room he was where he was first interrogated, and all sorts of memories are bubbling up.

-- "I had no idea we had the best pilot in the Resistance onboard." --

-- "I'm impressed. No one's been able to get out of you what you did with the map." --

He knows this place. He's been to this place. He was interrogated in this place. All by someone he loved, and who loved him.

"So...I'm back again. Interesting." he says.

Silence from Kylo Ren.

"Where are the others?" Poe says.

"You mean the murderers, traitors and thieves you call friends? I assure you that I have no idea." A beat. "I have to admit that I'm impressed. Stealing a TIE fighter..."

Poe still can't believe that he actually did that.

"Sometimes I amaze even myself." he says, and though part of it really is faking it, part of it is true.

Kylo tilts his head. "You don't remember, do you?"

"I remember who you were."

"That man," says Kylo Ren, "Is dead."

"Really? Show me."

Slowly, Ben removes his mask, and Poe's breath is taken away. He's beautiful as ever, Poe can't help but think, with his striking dark eyes and dark, curly hair. Thinner, too pale, but still as beautiful as ever. He's already in despair, because death, torture...all this shouldn't be carried out by someone you love.

He looks proud, and yet vulnerable. He's still beautiful, and it's one of many things that breaks Poe's heart.

"Where is the map?" Even his voice is beautiful, Poe can't help but think.

"I'm not going to tell you anything."

"Then you leave me no choice."

And Poe already knows what he's going to do next, and he hates it.

"You're not going to do it again. Ever again."

"It gives me no pleasure," Ren says. "But I will take what I need."

The invisible hand's all but reaching into his mind, rustling past memories -- memories of Rey, of Finn, and Han. Rustling past shattered memories of who they both were, Ben and Poe, and Poe feels tears pouring from his eyes. It's not just the fact that he's doing this, it's the matter of the memories that he's dredging up. Happier times. Times when they promised each other forever, and forever was impossible.

"You don't remember, do you?" Ren says. "You shouldn't. Ben Solo is dead. He deserves to be dead, and forgotten."

Poe squeezes his eyes shut. The tears won't stop now. "He doesn't," he says. "He doesn't deserve to be forgotten."

"He was weak and foolish -- "

"No," Poe says. "He was better than you ever were."

Finally, after what seems like an eternity, the final piece of the map is pulled from Poe's head.

It hurts. It hurts in more than one way, and he hates Kylo Ren for this more than he thinks he ever could.

Finally, Kylo Ren draws away from him. There's no sadistic triumph in his eyes; Poe doesn't think he's capable of any sort of emotion at all. Even sadistic pleasure would be better than nothing. At least the man he hates would just be a monster. This...

Who is this being? Man or monster?

Kylo Ren waves his hand again, and Poe falls asleep. In his dreams, he's sharing a piece of forever with Ben Solo, not Kylo Ren, and they're free to love each other as they're meant to.