Chapter Forty-One: Trust and Darkness

[ladyofleithian]

 In which Poe and Ben have a chat. 

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Author's Notes: Just a quick warning for some of the characters being briefly mentioned as...let's say having disturbing views that I don't share. Also, this was pretty hard to write. Scenes I can do, aftermath scenes...not so much. 

They headed out, Narudar still in cuffs, and Ben could feel the distrust, the unease, even some animosity, among at least some of the pilots. Others seemed to, unsettlingly enough, think that Narudar somehow deserved it. Never mind that in the end, it really had been just a job, and Ben was doing the best he could if only to help save the Republic. Still, he wondered if what he did was right somehow. They had found out where the artifacts were being transported (though according to Narudar, they were already gone), and they knew where Lisaris was, but nonetheless...

Was what he did right? After all, things like this...

“You shouldn’t have done it.” Annie’s voice was the one that cut into the silence.

“Lisaris is out there,” Ben said. “You think I should have done nothing?”

“I didn’t think you’d stoop to something like this,” Annie said. “This isn’t the Jedi way, Ben, and you know it.”

“Do we really need to worry about the Jedi way when there’s a war to win?”

“Yes,” Annie said. “Even if others don’t realize it, we will. And it’s wrong, Ben.”

“She’s right, you know.” Poe cut in. “Ben -- ’’

“I just don’t want more planets ending up getting bombed!”

And I don’t want you to suffer anymore. I don’t want you to have nightmares anymore, Poe. But Ben didn’t say it aloud. It was one of those things that lay under the surface, unknown to anyone but Ben.

“You think we don’t?” Annie said. “Ben -- ’’

Poe’s hand was on his unwounded shoulder, and it cooled Ben before he could snap back, before he could scream back. “Annie,” Poe said, “I’ll talk to him.”

It was away from the others, Snap and Jess guarding Narudar, that Poe spoke.

“I just don’t like what he’s doing to you,” Poe said. “You...you keep coming back from all this and you’ve got this look to you like...I don’t even know how to describe it. It’s like something’s gotten into you.”

“The only thing that’s gotten into me is ending the war.”

“I’m scared for you. I’m just worried about what you’re doing, Ben. I don’t know anything about the Dark Side or anything like that -- ’’

“Exactly. You don’t.”

Poe flinched even as Ben said it, and the moment it escaped his mouth, Ben felt a sudden sense of rottenness. He took a deep breath. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.”

“Right. Maybe I don’t know anything about the Dark Side, but I do know that what Yana’s doing to you is changing you. I love you,” Poe said. “I want to make sure you don’t get hurt. I want to help you, Ben. Please.”

I can’t lose you. Poe’s thought went. Not to this.

“What makes you think you’ll lose me?”

A sad smile from Poe. “Nothing gets by you, does it, love?”

“Not really. But what makes you think you’ll lose me?”

Poe paused. It was clear he hadn't thought much about how. Ben took him into his arms, gentle, aware of how slight Poe seemed in them.

He was always afraid of somehow breaking Poe. There were instances where in comparison to him, Poe seemed to be so fragile, so small, in the way that precious beings were. Now he was aware of how slight Poe was -- slight hands, slight shoulders, under Ben’s larger hands.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He leaned down, dipping his head to brush against Poe’s. “You’re not going to lose me.”

“Not to them?”

“Not to them. Poe...you are my heart. Yana is my teacher.”

“I know. That’s what I’m worried about. Just...don’t do things like the whole mindreading thing again. Please.”

“Yana didn’t teach me. I think I always had that ability.”

“Right. Just...don’t use it to hurt people, Ben.”

“I won’t.” Question was, even as they headed back up to join the others, if he could find a way to control it. He couldn’t go to his uncle about it. Uncle Luke would only judge him, and that Ben couldn’t do. Could Yana help him?

Ben doubted there was any other alternative.

It was long after they spoke with Administrator Adare, long after they headed back to Coruscant to imprison Narudar again, that they headed back to Yavin. Well, some of them. Black Squadron headed back home (save for Poe, who went with the Jedi), while the Jedi headed back to Yavin. And it was then that Ben turned towards Poe even as Yana came out to meet them.

“I’ll see you tonight,” Ben said.

Poe nodded, if uneasily. Ben took a deep breath and headed towards Yana, towards further hope for his training.

“Master Yana,” he said. “I need to talk to you about something.”