ladyofleithian (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladyofleithian) wrote2022-01-13 07:29 am
ladyofleithian) wrote2022-01-13 07:29 am
Entry tags:
For allbingo
Title: What I’ve Become
Summary: Kylo comes to lie to Poe. He changes his mind.
Prompt: Chance
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
It’s Snoke that points out the whole ridiculousness of sending a whole battalion to Jakku to retrieve one map. “It’s a matter of subtlety, young Solo,” he says. “You send a whole battalion of stormtroopers to Jakku to retrieve one map, of course they’ll become defensive. Of course they’re going to raise their blasters and whatever weapons they carry in order to fight back. They won’t need an excuse.”
Kylo, for a moment, can see the shades of wisdom in what his master is saying. The Supreme Leader is wise, and Kylo knows that he does have his moments where Kylo’s reminded of why he followed him in the first place. "I presume Captain Phasma will be staying behind, then?”
“She’ll see combat another day,” Snoke rumbles. “Phasma is intelligent, for all her unpredictability. She knows tactics. I doubt she really is going to complain.”
Kylo knows he’s correct. Phasma is ruthless and occasionally pointlessly cruel, but she isn’t stupid. Kylo knows that all too well.
***
He leaves his armor behind, as well as his lightsaber. (Leaving behind his lightsaber is his idea. After all, one has to go all out in a disguise) Phasma bids him farewell and good luck; Kylo finds that even though they are far from good friends, he prefers Phasma exponentially over Hux.
***
He takes a nondescript shuttle, neither Resistance nor First Order, to Jakku. To the village of Tuanul. He’s not comfortable with the villagers greeting him like a new friend; Kylo Ren is not here, after all, to make friends. He notices younglings chattering among each other. Mama, he’s really tall! Just for example. Kylo doesn’t see the point of it, really. After all, there are a lot of tall beings out there.
He does wonder, occasionally, if his past is stamped on him like a brand. Something he can’t get out of his skin no matter how hard he tries.
***
He didn’t expect to see Poe there. Or the look on Poe’s face — that radiant, brilliant joy even as Poe takes him in. Everything, from the generic black clothes that bear no resemblance to Kylo Ren's iconic costume. (Pieces and bits; that’s the way that Kylo sees them, pieces and bits of Vader, of Padme. It’s more a collage than a completely original design) His eyes, his face — Poe’s hand trembles like he wants to reach up and touch Kylo’s face.
Kylo already flinches at the very idea. He’s missed Poe, missed him more than anything (along with his parents, and Hennix, and Tai), but he knows he’s not worthy to be touched like this. To feel Poe’s slim fingers on his cheek.
Force, there are so many things he’s not worthy of.
“Ben!” Poe exclaims. “Force, where have you been? I was looking all over for you.”
"You…were?” There’s something soft and overwhelming about that very idea.
“Yeah. I…did miss you, Ben.”
He doesn’t deserve any of this. Kylo knows it. At least he can say this.
“I missed you too, Poe.”
***
They talk. Of course they talk. Kylo realizes that Poe has a piece of the map — the last piece — in his hand.
Dear Force, not him, Kylo quietly panics. Anyone but him.
"Your mom sent me to get the last piece of the map," Poe says. “Artoo actually has the larger portion of it. He got it from the Imperial archives…long before you were born, actually.”
When General Organa was held captive by the Empire, Kylo mentally finishes.
Poe continues. "I’ve been on a lot of adventures in order to actually get that map piece from Tekka. I mean…a lot! Got to tell Terex he was a drag to his face; that was fun.”
“I heard.” Of course, Kylo isn’t about to tell Poe that gossip travels fast in the First Order, and that Terex was less than pleased (in his own Terex way) that Poe had insulted him so. He can’t tell Poe that he, Kylo Ren, actually found Poe’s jab funny. Considering that Terex seemed to be on the Hux train of saying Kylo was an inferior copy of Vader, of course Kylo Ren would take any opportunity for that arrogant old guard stormtrooper to be reminded he was just a blowhard Vader wouldn’t touch with a thousand foot pole. A drag indeed.
“Yeah, Terex…I don’t hate people I oppose. I don’t even hate him. But he really is just boring as all hell.”
Kylo feels his lips twitch. Not a laugh, but close enough.
He doesn’t want to betray Poe. Not like this.
Who said anything about what you want?
***
It’s Tekka who takes him into another tent. “Ben,” he says, “I know why you really came here.”
“Congratulations, Tekka,” Kylo says wryly. “You could have been a detective if you weren’t inexplicably a Jedi fanboy.”
“Ben,” Tekka says wearily, “Is that necessary? I’m not trying to punish you. I’m trying to help you.”
“I don’t need help,” Kylo says. He can feel years of resentment shaking his body. “Only Poe — only Poe even tried to help me. At least he was looking for me. General Organa has been working to kill me. Han Solo just bowed out altogether; Force knows where he is now. And Skywalker…the moment I had intrusive thoughts and nightmares, he decided I was beyond saving. And stars, perhaps he has a point.”
Tekka’s eyes are, unexpectedly, full of kindness. Then, “I don’t know what happened between you and Skywalker, but I doubt there’s a thing as ‘beyond saving'. Indeed, your mother has been trying to save you for some time.”
“And yet I never heard about it.”
“It doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel it, with all her heart, all her soul.”
***
Kylo decides to tell Poe.
He doesn’t miss the flash of pain in Poe’s eyes. “So you’re Kylo," he says. “I suspected it, but I didn’t want to believe it.” Then, “Were you lying to me when you first landed on Jakku?”
“Not about the important things,” Kylo says. “I really did miss you, Poe. I wished I could have kept in touch when I joined the First Order. But I knew it would have crushed you. You don’t know how rare you are, do you?”
“So…”
"Yes. I started out wanting to take the map. I didn’t expect you to be there. I don’t think I have the strength to betray you.”
He still has a feeling that Poe’s heart is in shards. He hates the very idea. He doesn’t want to break Poe’s heart. But you did. You did and you hurt him.
"Why don’t you just not do it?”
Is there really anything holding him back? Besides Snoke’s volatile temper, and Kylo’s mountains of self-loathing? Not to mention wanting to resurrect Shara Bey?
***
He thinks. He thinks hard. Even as Poe and Tekka sleep, BB-8 powering down for the night, Kylo knows that he can’t just do this. Either option. He can’t betray Snoke. He can’t betray Poe.
He thinks of Snoke’s casual cruelty, interspersed with poisoned interpretations of love. Of Poe’s open acceptance, and Tekka’s. Of the idea that his mother had been searching for him along with Poe, after all these years.
I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.
How would he even begin?
***
Kylo tells them about his plan to leave the First Order. “The only reason I stayed is that I thought no one would accept me after what I’d done,” he says. “Now…I may be wrong. If you’ll have me.”
“I will, Ben,” Poe says. "I always will. Come on…let’s go home.”
Summary: Kylo comes to lie to Poe. He changes his mind.
Prompt: Chance
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
It’s Snoke that points out the whole ridiculousness of sending a whole battalion to Jakku to retrieve one map. “It’s a matter of subtlety, young Solo,” he says. “You send a whole battalion of stormtroopers to Jakku to retrieve one map, of course they’ll become defensive. Of course they’re going to raise their blasters and whatever weapons they carry in order to fight back. They won’t need an excuse.”
Kylo, for a moment, can see the shades of wisdom in what his master is saying. The Supreme Leader is wise, and Kylo knows that he does have his moments where Kylo’s reminded of why he followed him in the first place. "I presume Captain Phasma will be staying behind, then?”
“She’ll see combat another day,” Snoke rumbles. “Phasma is intelligent, for all her unpredictability. She knows tactics. I doubt she really is going to complain.”
Kylo knows he’s correct. Phasma is ruthless and occasionally pointlessly cruel, but she isn’t stupid. Kylo knows that all too well.
***
He leaves his armor behind, as well as his lightsaber. (Leaving behind his lightsaber is his idea. After all, one has to go all out in a disguise) Phasma bids him farewell and good luck; Kylo finds that even though they are far from good friends, he prefers Phasma exponentially over Hux.
***
He takes a nondescript shuttle, neither Resistance nor First Order, to Jakku. To the village of Tuanul. He’s not comfortable with the villagers greeting him like a new friend; Kylo Ren is not here, after all, to make friends. He notices younglings chattering among each other. Mama, he’s really tall! Just for example. Kylo doesn’t see the point of it, really. After all, there are a lot of tall beings out there.
He does wonder, occasionally, if his past is stamped on him like a brand. Something he can’t get out of his skin no matter how hard he tries.
***
He didn’t expect to see Poe there. Or the look on Poe’s face — that radiant, brilliant joy even as Poe takes him in. Everything, from the generic black clothes that bear no resemblance to Kylo Ren's iconic costume. (Pieces and bits; that’s the way that Kylo sees them, pieces and bits of Vader, of Padme. It’s more a collage than a completely original design) His eyes, his face — Poe’s hand trembles like he wants to reach up and touch Kylo’s face.
Kylo already flinches at the very idea. He’s missed Poe, missed him more than anything (along with his parents, and Hennix, and Tai), but he knows he’s not worthy to be touched like this. To feel Poe’s slim fingers on his cheek.
Force, there are so many things he’s not worthy of.
“Ben!” Poe exclaims. “Force, where have you been? I was looking all over for you.”
"You…were?” There’s something soft and overwhelming about that very idea.
“Yeah. I…did miss you, Ben.”
He doesn’t deserve any of this. Kylo knows it. At least he can say this.
“I missed you too, Poe.”
***
They talk. Of course they talk. Kylo realizes that Poe has a piece of the map — the last piece — in his hand.
Dear Force, not him, Kylo quietly panics. Anyone but him.
"Your mom sent me to get the last piece of the map," Poe says. “Artoo actually has the larger portion of it. He got it from the Imperial archives…long before you were born, actually.”
When General Organa was held captive by the Empire, Kylo mentally finishes.
Poe continues. "I’ve been on a lot of adventures in order to actually get that map piece from Tekka. I mean…a lot! Got to tell Terex he was a drag to his face; that was fun.”
“I heard.” Of course, Kylo isn’t about to tell Poe that gossip travels fast in the First Order, and that Terex was less than pleased (in his own Terex way) that Poe had insulted him so. He can’t tell Poe that he, Kylo Ren, actually found Poe’s jab funny. Considering that Terex seemed to be on the Hux train of saying Kylo was an inferior copy of Vader, of course Kylo Ren would take any opportunity for that arrogant old guard stormtrooper to be reminded he was just a blowhard Vader wouldn’t touch with a thousand foot pole. A drag indeed.
“Yeah, Terex…I don’t hate people I oppose. I don’t even hate him. But he really is just boring as all hell.”
Kylo feels his lips twitch. Not a laugh, but close enough.
He doesn’t want to betray Poe. Not like this.
Who said anything about what you want?
***
It’s Tekka who takes him into another tent. “Ben,” he says, “I know why you really came here.”
“Congratulations, Tekka,” Kylo says wryly. “You could have been a detective if you weren’t inexplicably a Jedi fanboy.”
“Ben,” Tekka says wearily, “Is that necessary? I’m not trying to punish you. I’m trying to help you.”
“I don’t need help,” Kylo says. He can feel years of resentment shaking his body. “Only Poe — only Poe even tried to help me. At least he was looking for me. General Organa has been working to kill me. Han Solo just bowed out altogether; Force knows where he is now. And Skywalker…the moment I had intrusive thoughts and nightmares, he decided I was beyond saving. And stars, perhaps he has a point.”
Tekka’s eyes are, unexpectedly, full of kindness. Then, “I don’t know what happened between you and Skywalker, but I doubt there’s a thing as ‘beyond saving'. Indeed, your mother has been trying to save you for some time.”
“And yet I never heard about it.”
“It doesn’t mean she doesn’t feel it, with all her heart, all her soul.”
***
Kylo decides to tell Poe.
He doesn’t miss the flash of pain in Poe’s eyes. “So you’re Kylo," he says. “I suspected it, but I didn’t want to believe it.” Then, “Were you lying to me when you first landed on Jakku?”
“Not about the important things,” Kylo says. “I really did miss you, Poe. I wished I could have kept in touch when I joined the First Order. But I knew it would have crushed you. You don’t know how rare you are, do you?”
“So…”
"Yes. I started out wanting to take the map. I didn’t expect you to be there. I don’t think I have the strength to betray you.”
He still has a feeling that Poe’s heart is in shards. He hates the very idea. He doesn’t want to break Poe’s heart. But you did. You did and you hurt him.
"Why don’t you just not do it?”
Is there really anything holding him back? Besides Snoke’s volatile temper, and Kylo’s mountains of self-loathing? Not to mention wanting to resurrect Shara Bey?
***
He thinks. He thinks hard. Even as Poe and Tekka sleep, BB-8 powering down for the night, Kylo knows that he can’t just do this. Either option. He can’t betray Snoke. He can’t betray Poe.
He thinks of Snoke’s casual cruelty, interspersed with poisoned interpretations of love. Of Poe’s open acceptance, and Tekka’s. Of the idea that his mother had been searching for him along with Poe, after all these years.
I know what I have to do, but I don’t know if I have the strength to do it.
How would he even begin?
***
Kylo tells them about his plan to leave the First Order. “The only reason I stayed is that I thought no one would accept me after what I’d done,” he says. “Now…I may be wrong. If you’ll have me.”
“I will, Ben,” Poe says. "I always will. Come on…let’s go home.”